about… many things 🙂 at once

a dear soul sister gave me this link in some of the last days… she told me that what is written there is what she lived with her first baby born, word by word…

i read this text more then 10 times since she gave me the link… it is with me… it brought many feelings at the surface.

i didn’t gave birth yet… to a baby… and I’m sometimes full of fears around maternity and motherhood since Pearl is around.

fear of not being good enough… fear of not “creating” the “perfect” conditions… of not “having” a “proper” space and context to welcome a baby… fear of receiving a baby in this world, fear of “what if somehow life comes to a point where I need to raise her… them alone”, fear of “what would my family think?”, fear of how ripples of the social norms/patterns/prejudice will affect her, us, fear of my own limitations limiting her, fear because some of my dear ones are not welcoming her in their full heart…

I notice all these fears in me… sometimes the almost-panic state of mind signalizes me that fears are here… sometimes it gets me… and I freeze… then I breath again… sometimes I cannot pinpoint cause of the fear and sadness that I feel coming trough me… and I just am.. with that… breathing… crying… shaking… crying some more… being close to the silence that I can be…

looking at all these… and at the same time.. looking at me… being soft with it.

if it is one thing I noticed about myself in the last more then an year, it is the softness about my patterns, my fears, my old stories… the acceptance and knowing it will all pass… and I need those, to be truly me…

it sooths me… it cleans me… and it is not only about me… it is about all the women in this world… my mom, my sis, my grandmothers, by grand-grandmothers… all my soul sisters which are traveling the path of life here…

and at the same time I experience the feminine energy, the mother inside me that comes with caring, patience, kindness, sharing, calm, noble silence…

I feel grateful for these gifts… for serving as a becoming-mom, for this gift of feeling myself as a mother, for the healing and cleaning that “is happening”, for the embrace that I am offered by Pearl, for the flow that I am with, for the unfolding I am kept in touch with by her presence…

Pearl is more present in the framework of my body that I am, at many times. then I am offered the deep care and love I feel coming from Ronen… a beamer which keeps me in touch with ground-real-sharp-soft life. all these brings me closer to the Mother… to the mother in me also… to the woman… to the maternity… to the motherhood. one of the many times I told him “I am happy”, he replied “don’t worry, it will pass” [there you go… vipassana in a nutshell :))]. yes, it will definitely pass… meanwhile I decided to look at it. and also, when my other side feelings are coming to me… that keeps me in check… not deluding myself…

I know there are some monsters in my cellar… I want to embrace them when they come out… and to play together… I think they might use some joy and innocence… and singing… and dancing.. and sitting in silence… together! 🙂 will see how that goes…

I am here… don’t know if “ready”… definitely open and breathing… to experience all my shadows, to let them be in light… to heal my roots and to grow more deeper ones, to leave behind the having, the possessing and the need for demonstrating anything… to anyone…

… to embrace… to receive… to breath… to breath some more

Laura says that our identity also goes away at the moment we become mothers… I don’t know many times what / who I am… what is this “I”… looking forward to experience what’s coming, healing, dying, birthing…  while breathing.

I look at myself “looking forward” to all these :)) and smiling… we’ll speak soon… :))

thank you, Oana, for bringing Laura around… for being… you 🙂

thank you, Laura, for the woman that you are, for sharing that with the world, for touching my heart

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