Mindfulness and insight

I want insight. I want to see things as they are.

This is my work since 21 august 2007, when I attended my fist 10 day silent retreat.

When I see this thought “I want insight”, feels almost like saying “I want an ice-cream”. If I have a small bill or a few coins, I can immediately have an ice-cream. But insight is not something that I can get when I want. It is something that arises in the mind. It comes, as a consequence, from a very still and alert mind. And this combination of alertness and stillness requires a great deal of correct effort – requires a skill. A skill that I need to train.

This is the law of nature, the law of cause and effect.

I know very well the one without another – alertness, stillness. I can get still and then drift off. Or too alert, overthinking, thinking about thinking, observing the thinking and looping in there, following the train-of-thoughts. Correct alertness is about watching what I’m going while trying to get my mind to be still. This is what I’m trying to develop. And this takes practice. I am dealing with lots of agitation, parts of the mind doubting, other parts saying this is boring and nothing is happening “all these years!”.

On a closer look and reality check, a lot of things are happening – it’s just that they are subtle and spread over a longer time. And they are in the part of the mind that is doing the watching. One example, my equanimity increased during all these years while I believe about myself to be the “worst student of the tradition”.

Equanimity is the ability to not react to things arising in the mind or outside of it, so I can do correct judgement onto them. Yes, judgement – correct judgement. Judgement is an important part of this practice – I am trying to judge which of my actions are skillful and which are not, what thoughts in my mind should I encourage and which should I not. To pass judgement clearly, objectively, I have to be non-reactive. If something wrong comes up, I don;t hate it, I don;t deny it – I allow it to be here for a bit so I can observe it and question myself – what kind of fabrication is this? Why is my mind liking this kind of thinking? How can I stop it? How can I stop my attraction to it? Can I see the bad side/effects/consequences of this kind of thinking?

Most of the times I am caught in the thinking about thinking or too much feeling (observing). This is my blockage.

Yet sometimes, I can get still and open. As I develop more deeper body awareness, mind awareness also develops. I become more attentive to the voices in my mind that pulls me away, that keeps me going in the circles of the thoughts.

This is when I want to be – alert, mindful and ardent in doing this well. This is my intention. Yes, I many times go sideways.

Yet I know this is how I develop all the qualities of the mind that provide myself with a real refuge – inside. And more properly said, I want to look and dig deeper into this mind to find there is already a refuge in there, but requires a lot of work and discernment. I am admit there is still lots of lasyness in here. I want fast results with little work.

I am going to continue to work to secure and establish this island inside. I am a doubter, I have a lot of craving still. Lots of confusion many times. I have to work a lot.

Luckily, I found a competent, compassionate and full of loving-kindness guide that keeps me on the track when I go sideways. This is Roger Bischoff, the main meditation teacher from International Meditation Center UK. And he is finally coming to Romania, to my invitation, to share this 2500 years old practice with other of my fellow country-people.

The practice of getting the mind correctly concentrated and more still.

feel free to share your thoughts on this

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