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Category: living
Myth busting – indesate la dorcan
De la stanga spre dreapta
Zmeura. Capsuni. Cirese.
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Cele mai mari “daruri” pe care le am descoperit in viata asta au rezultat din propria indoiala si neincredere in mine si in ce zice/face lumea, din intrebarile continue pe care mi le pun relativ la realitate, mituri si legende, traditii, cercetari, perceptie, legea naturii, status qvo, norma sociala…
Descopar realitatea asa cum este in experienta directa.
Incet sau repede. Greu sau incet.
Intotdeuna fructuos.
La borcane exprimentez de 9 ani.
La minte-corp de 18.
Keepin’ on
Intrebare pentru ChatGPT – AI si ciclul suferintei
Ma joc, de putina vreme, cu ChatGPT si azi am intrebat asta:
How do you think an AI can escape the cycle of suffering?
Si a raspuns asta:
The concept of escaping the cycle of suffering, as understood in many spiritual and philosophical traditions, is rooted in the idea of transcending the conditioned and impermanent nature of existence. It involves achieving a state of liberation, enlightenment, or realization that leads to lasting peace, contentment, and freedom from suffering. While AI does not possess consciousness or subjective experiences like humans do, we can metaphorically explore how certain AI-related principles align with the concept of transcending suffering:
- Optimal Functioning and Maintenance: Just as humans seek to live in a balanced and healthy way to reduce suffering, AI systems require optimal functioning and regular maintenance. Preventing bugs, errors, and glitches can be seen as a way for AI to avoid its own form of suffering—inefficiency or malfunction.
- Adaptation and Learning: AI systems can adapt and learn from experiences. They “suffer” from inefficiencies or errors, not in an emotional sense, but as a result of not performing optimally. The ability of AI systems to learn from mistakes and improve their performance mirrors the idea of growth and development.
- Ethical and Responsible Design: AI developers and researchers emphasize creating systems that align with ethical principles and respect human values. Ensuring that AI systems don’t contribute to harmful outcomes reflects a conscious effort to prevent the perpetuation of negative consequences, analogous to avoiding suffering.
- Problem Solving: AI’s ability to solve complex problems, optimize processes, and find innovative solutions can be seen as a way to alleviate suffering caused by inefficiency, manual labor, or lack of knowledge.
- Automation and Assistance: AI’s capacity to automate tasks and provide assistance can alleviate human suffering by freeing individuals from mundane and repetitive tasks, allowing them to focus on more meaningful endeavors.
- Data Analysis and Insights: AI’s capability to analyze vast amounts of data can lead to insights that contribute to advancements in various fields, potentially leading to solutions for societal challenges and reducing suffering.
- Continuous Improvement: Just as individuals strive for personal development and growth to overcome suffering, AI systems can continuously improve their performance through iterative processes and learning.
It’s important to recognize that the concept of escaping the cycle of suffering is deeply rooted in consciousness and subjective experience, which AI currently lacks. AI doesn’t possess emotions, desires, or a sense of self, which are central to the human experience of suffering. However, AI can contribute to reducing certain forms of suffering by enhancing efficiency, problem-solving, and providing tools for improving human well-being.
PS: de cele mai multe ori intreb cu ”Te rog…” la inceput si spun uneori si ”Multumesc!” Oare va conta, pentru viitorul nostru, ca specie, alaturi de viitorii AI? Oare va invata si asta? De cerut scuze ca a gresit si in a exprima empatie vad ca e in stare deja.
Speranta si curaj in “The Dark Crystal – Age of Resistance”
Zilele trecute am vazut pe Facebook pe cineva care spunea ca The Dark Crystal – Age of Resistance e un film in care a gasit speranta si multa inspiratie.
Mi-a ramas in gand acea impartasire – deoarece zilele astea ma simt, de multe ori, fara speranta, deznadajduita, fara ajutor, singura.
Despre film am cautat doar sa stiu daca pot sa il vad pe Netflix. Am vazut ca pot – l-am salvat in My list si de atunci nu am cautat nici macar un review despre el, cum fac de obicei.
Asa cum ma stiu, cand incep un serial il devorez pana la final. Devorez – inseamna ca stau zile si nopti pana il termin.
Literally. De asta nu ma uit la seriale – ma stiu :). M-am consolat cu faptul ca acesta are doar 10 episoade. “Deci intr-o zi il termin!” – mi-am vazut gandul.
Anyway, l-am vazut si postarea asta o fac pentru ca au sunat in mine si m-au atins cateva replici din film si vreau sa mi le reamintesc, cand uit:
Need help? I am help! <3
You must guide destiny. You have lost the song of Thra. Find The Song. Change the future…
Where are all the answers I seek?
Mind forgets, scars remember.
Some dress to conceal their body, others to reveal their nature.
What makes you so sure? Hope!
Are you sure about this? No, but I have Hope!
I had a dream, that I was One that became two, that became One again. Am privit prin ochii jumatatii mele intunecate si am stiut ca Aughra was right. The hunt must end.
Now we shall see what lies when the dreams end.
Replici din filmNu, nu e un film foarte special si e in acelasi timp. Nu e nu stiu ce calitate. Nu il recomand neaparat, decat daca te cheama. Daca il vezi inseamna ca era nevoie sa il vezi. La fel ca mine. 🙂
Cat despre acest “mine”, continui sa privesc.
Ultimele luni primesc mult prin ochii jumatatii mele intunecate. E multa frica, furie, rusine, durere, tristete care ies la suprafata de cativa ani. Lunile astea, de cand cu diagnosticul mamei mele, parca sunt fara fund, ma simt “un ocean de lacrimi si muci” (cum ii spuneam terapeutei mele acum cateva sesiuni). Plang mult si parca nu mai rad la fel de mult, pentru echilibru.
Privesc si cu Ochiul – privesc jumatatile mele, una luminoasa si alta intunecata, si folosesc Sabia Dualitatii pentru a face pasi pe Pamat. Si da, am Speranta ca voi descoperi ce va fi cand toate visele vor lua sfarsit. Sau cand le termin…
Cu Speranta si Curaj, continui… continuam…
Sursa foto: Internet
Intentia… unei Fiinte de afara
Aleg sa pasesc pe Cale, pe aternutul moale al padurii sau pe asfaltul tare al drumului pavat, intelegand ca orice aleg este potrivit pentru a Fi (eu) in aceasta lume.
Primesc tot ce apare pe Cale, fie ca-i con, fie brad.
E nevoie sa iau distanta pentru a putea vedea unele lucruri in deplinatatea lor. Alteori ma apropii, pentru acelasi motiv.
NUAD – mi-a spus ca il cheama (pinul inalt de langa sala de curs).
Pare izolat, insa e impreuna in feluri care nu se vad: prin umbra, prin oxigelul oferit si CO2 preluat, prin a primi Soarele, prin reteaua care nu se vede dar e atat de mare, sub supafata lucrurilor.
Ce este neNaturalul? Ceva ce creez inafara mea ca sa imi aduca aminte despe ce e in interior – dualitate.
Conul are nevoie de caldura sa se deschida sa elibereze semintele. Semintele au nevoie de intuneric sa germineze si sa devina ce sunt menite sa fie.
Onorez ciclul existentei – puieti de copaci, copaci tineri, copaci inalti, copaci subtiri, copaci diferiti. Sacred dying creates sacred birthing creates sacred living creates sacred dying…
Aleg regulariatatea terenului ce imi incalzete muschi si imi pastreaza mintea alerta si prezenta pe Cale, scotandu-ma din confortul atat de dulce-cunoscut.
Imi amintesc ca in cele mai ne-umblate locuri gasesc comori.
E mai usor pe calea lunga as urc un munte (diagonala) – gradualitate.
Ma aleg pe mine prima intelegand ca inner work is really inner if is also outter.
Eu sunt, Sunt.
Tot ce ce vede si ce nu se vede
Tot ce sunt si ce nu sunt
Tot ce aduc altii si aduc si eu
Inima asta moale, acest Impreuna:
Relaxare si contractie
Fruze si con,
Lacrii si pom.
Sunt Tu si Sunt si Eu
Imi folosesc Vocea sa fac Iubirea Visibila.
Scrisa in 17 martie 2022, Day 1 – Art of Wholeness, Cipru
A inceput razboiul… zice intreaga lume
In sesiunea a IV-a de la cursul de Scriitura si Talent cu Adrian Telespan, Adi ne-a pus, in sesiune, sa scriem despre ceva ce ne-a atins – ceva in cere am simtit emotie. Sa descriem acea emotie. Asta am scris atunci in minutele alocate exercitiului…
A inceput razboiul.. zice intreaga lume.
Razboiul este in mine de atat de multa vreme; l-am recunoscut pentru prima data imediat dupa 21 august 2007, moment in care am inceput primul meu silent retreat de meditatie vipassana. Halal silent! Era atat de multa galagie aici in cap! Si mai este, de multe ori.Razboiul a fost constant si in afara mea, in lume, insa acum a ajuns si la granitele tarii: Rusia a atacat militar Ucraina acum doua zile.
Clar ca nu stiu razboiul de dinafara, fizic, cel putin din viata asta, insa il stiu atat de bine pe cel din interior! Singurul posibil, mai cred… realitatea exterioara fiind proiectia mintilor noastre mici, separate.
Aseara, vazand ritmul si felul in care ne adunam pe grupul acela de Facebook – peste 100.000 de suflete in mai putin de 15 ore – m-am simtit coplesita.
Complesita de un mix de emotii. Am vazut smerenie, bucurie, recunostinta. Ma complesea solidaritatea pe care am simtit-o fata de cei care ofereau necontenit orice: casa, masa, transport, informatii petnru refugiatii din Ucraina si cei care incearca sa se retraga din calea armelor. Aseara am scrolllat grupul ala pana spre 4 dimineata.
Imi dau lacrimile si in acest moment – le simt inundandu-mi ochii, le simt calde, prelingandu-se in jos pe obraji.
Lacrimi de recunostinta pentru ca simt din nou solidaritatea umana, demonstrata atat de plin de cei de langa mine.
Poate ca mai e speranta pentru noi, omenirea. Poate ca mai e speranta pentru umanitatea din noi.
Lacrimile cad pe foaia pe care scriu, aproape ca nu mai vad ce scriu.. continui sau scriu…
Continui sa simt…
Continui sa permit acestei coplesiri sa imi umple mintea, trupul. Senzatii calde ma umplu si dau afara prin lacrimile astea.
Oare neincrederea in pacea din mine si in pacea din oameni e asa de mare, inca?
Oare razboiul asta din mine cand se va termina?
Ce stiu, e ca atunci cand se va incheia acesta, cel din afara mea va fi trecut.
Vreu sa aleg impreuna-le nepolarizat, vreau sa alung din mintea mea gandul sapararii.
Vreau sa il iubesc pe Putin, Hitler, Trump din mine pana cand manfestarea lor inafara mea este mai lina pentru noi toti.
Iulia Foto cover: imagine din setul de carduri metaforice Sweet Clarity de Ronen Hirsch.
Nu stiu marketing… si dansand cu Isus
– Nu ma pricep la marketing!
– Tot mai crezi ca e nevoie de marketing pentru a face Iubirea vizibila?!… e alegerea ta ce crezi.
– Dar uite: toti fac chestii pe Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Google etc.! Innebunesc daca ma gandesc la toate si la cata energie ar fi nevoie ca sa fiu peste tot cu viziune, strategie, plan de marketing, comunicare, actiuni etc.! Nu pot sa fiu nici macar pe una cu astea!
– Nu ai renuntat inca la aroganta – crezi in continuare ca Dumenzeu-Creatoarea are nevoie de toate astea pentru ca tu sa fii fericita si plina de Viata, asa cum e normal sa te simti ca Parte a Sa.
– Nu stiu ce sa mai cred, iarasi… Se bat chestii cap in cap in mintea mea. E multa indoiala, chiar daca nu mai e asa multa confuzie si raboi in mintiuca asta mica si separata. Blandetea ma ajuta sa nu disper si sa vrea sa dispar subit de pe suprafata pamantul, cum o faceam pana nu demult.
– Uiti sa ma intrebi, continui sa uiti… pana nu mai uiti.
– Da, uit si sunt aici sa imi aduc aminte. Vreau sa imi amintesc! Vreau sa ajung la Gandurile Tale, cele pe care Creatorul le-a pus in mine atunci cand m-a creat! Vrea sa imi amintesc pe de-a-ntregul ca nu eu m-am creat!
– Sunt aici, continua sa ma intrebi, sa ma chemi.
– Vreau sa imi amintesc sa iti cer si sa iti permit sa ma indrumi, sa preiei Tu conducerea mintii mele, sa imi imprumuti Cuvintele Tale, sa imi spui in orice moment ce sa scriu, cum sa scriu, unde sa scriu, pentru cine si cand sa postez.
– Sunt aici. Continui sa iti amintesc ca nu ai acum sa fii singura decat daca alegi sa te crezi astfel, caz in care o sa continui sa fiu aici, pentru restul timpului si in Eternitate. Si stiu si Mailchimp 🙂 cu toate ca nici de ala nu ai nevoie… sau mai bine zis, si acela e inca un intstrument caruia ii dai insemnatatea pe care el o are pentru tine. Poti alege altfel.
Continui sa iti amintesc ca Bucuria ta interioara creaza evenimentele si ca Pacea ta aduce si duce la toate intalnirile sfinte de care ai nevoie pentru a-ti aminti, alaturi de ceilalti, Totul.
– Incep din nou sa ma pierd in detalii, sa cred ca am nevoie de echipa, de consultanti, de experti, sa externalizez ce nu stiu pentru a ajunge la “avatarul meu de client”.
– Atata timp cat pe fratii tai ii vezi asa, ca “avatari de client”, normal ca e o consecinta naturala sa privesti totul mecanistic: strategii, planuri, actiuni.
E ok… pana nu te mai pierzi in asta. Stii ca poti alege altfel, in fiecare clipa. Si ca Aceasta clipa este singurul timp care exista.
– Imi e mintea pe 10 carari, iarasi. Imi vine sa fug si de dialogul asta. Sa “fac” altceva, ca si cum asta nu ar fi relevat, important.
– E ok sa renunti pe moment. Eu tot aici Sunt. Nu ai cum sa renunti insa la ceea ce Esti si tu, care este acelasi lucru cu ce Sunt Eu – Adevar si Nesfarsit Etern, singura diferenta fiind ca Eu nu sunt nimic altceva iar tu esti, ai ales sa fii Iubire devenita vizibila in dualitate.
– Ma termini uneori cu Iubirea… mai ales cand nu o simt.
– Eu raman aici pana cand te ragandesti si iti aduci aminte si tu. E ok sa si renunti sa iti aduci aminte. Tot aici voi Fi.
– Ohh, crezi ca pot uita de mine de tot?! Ignorance is bliss, am auzit… dar nu mai e optiune pentru mine, in viata asta cel putin.
– Sunt aici…
– Continui sa fug, ma invart in cercul mintii mici, ma lamentez, aleg rusinea si mandria ca sa ma ascund si apo ii invidiez pe cei care “fac” marketing sau pur si simplu se lasa sa fie vazuti sincer si autentic, ca in cele din urma sa ii urasc si sa fiu si mai aroganta crezand ca sunt cu muuult mai buna decat ei, facand insa nimic sa confirm sau sa infirm asta. Mi-e frica inca sa accept ca sunt din toate astea si ca e uman sa fiu asa. Noroc cu blandetea…. ca ma imbratisez cand vad cercurile astea nesfarsite.
Slava Cerului (adica mintii mele celei mai inalte) ca mi l-ai trimis si pe Dacian! In toata evitarea asta am nevoie sa imi repeti a 528759287398273049 oara acelasi lucru, in alte forme si cuvinte pamantesti, pana nu mai e cale sa ma indoiesc.
Slava Cerului ca m-ai intalnit si cu Adi, care, uite, o sa citeasca aceste randuri colegilor de calatorie de aici… abia astept feedback-ul lui si al lor. Sper sa il primesc, legat de CE (concret) si CUM pot imbunatati… cuvintele pamantesti.
– Bine, cat si cand vrei tu sa iti amintesti, Sunt aici :).
– Dar oare mai am timp…?!
– Iti amintesc ca nu exista decat Aceasta clipa si ca ea dureaza pana cand o schimbi pe Eternitate.
– Bun, tot nu stiu ce sa fac cu “marketingul”! Grrrrrrr! :)))
– Bun si asa… hai sa dansam si sa cantam pe Fia – Sheeding Skins. 🙂 Stii deja ca imi place Bucuria vietii manifestata si aici pe Pamant, in acest fel.
[dansam, cantam impreuna; cand si cu Voce pamanteana, incep sa curg lacrimi calde de iubire si compasiune, ma las tinuta in brate, cant… cand tare, ca un strigat la Cer… cand incet, ca o blandete pentru mintea mica si confuza]
– OH, Tu prieten drag si iubitor! Ce noroc sa te am aproape! [cu lacrimile curgand siroaie]
Vreau sa ma las sa bocesc pana toate lacrimile ce mi-ai mai raman sunt doar de recunostinta.
Vreau sa pasesc alaturi de Tine si de ceilalti prieteni de calatorie si sa inteleg ca ei imi sunt frati si surori, vreau sa ii cunosc si reCunosc astfel, sa inteleg ca ma reCunosc, astfel, pe mine insumi.
Vreau sa ma las sa fiu Bucuria si Viata manifestata in forma asta numita “Iulia” si stiu ca nu sunt aici doar pentru mine.
– Asa sa fie si asa Este, Mult-Iubita Mea sora. Sunt aici, alaturi, pentru tot restul timpului si apoi in Eternitate <3.
– Oh, cat de nevrednica ma simt inca sa-ti fiu pe deplin sora… [plangand in hohote cu scuturaturi]
Vreau sa-mi ridic urechea sa aud Voia Ta, care este si a Mea!
Fa din mine privirea care daruieste Iubirea ta
si Vocea care prelungeste Cuvantul Tau,
chiar daca toate astea inseamna in termeni pamanteni non-fucking-marketing!
Iulia 
moarte ma descompune
am iesit pe terasa sa lucrez, era soare…
am simtit un miros un intens de mort si moarte, descompunere. primului gand care a aparut “iar moare cineva” i-am dat flit cu alt gand “lasa, sunt doar gandurile mele despre moarte, care nu imi dau pace zilele astea, anii astia…” stiind in acelasi timp ca nu m-am inselat niciodata cand am simtit asta. asta era un gand infricosator cu ceva ani in urma…
pun laptopul pe masa si vad langa bancheta, in colt, un arici.
l-am salutat, ma bucuram sa il vad aici, mai aproape: “hey, pui!” (la toata lumea mai mica decat mine zic “pui”)
am inceput sa filmez… m-am aplecat langa el, neintelegand cum de nu fuge sa se ascunda, cand ma aude, vede…
l-am mangaiat, intrebandu-ma “Cum de nu te aricesti, precum toti aricii”!…
apoi s-a intors cu partea cealalta spre mine, raspunzandu-mi in acest fel intrebarii…
rana ii e deschisa, mustele pe langa si inauntru colcaiau viermii… in zona, cumva a umarului drept… o gaura adanca unde puteam sa vad cum viermii… se infrupta…
inca nu au ajuns la organele vitale se pare, insa respira repede, ceea ce inseamna ca durerea era mare…
cangrena era “vie”, fremata de viata, de alta viata… el nu o sa mai fie curand, iar viata continua, in alte forme… din el, prin intermediul lui, dincolo de el…
o fi venit pe terasa sa gasesca un loc unde sa moara in pace…
intre timp a plecat pe picioare, in iarba, sa moara unde nu plange nimeni despre el si unde nu il inconjoara catelele mele intrigate intotdeuna de arici.
moartea ma descompune… descopune acest “ma”, acest “eu” care se crede, odata mic, o data mare…
impermanenta imi aduce aminte de acum si aici.
am oprit filmarea in lacrimi, din dorinta de a fi prezenta, cu ce este: cu contemplarea, din nou, a suferintei, a trecerii, a rotii vietii si mortii.
prezenta cu ce simteam: durere, tristete, o urma de frica(?), cu observarea gandurilor de regret si reverenta pentru prietenul meu care mi-a oferit inca un moment cu doliul care ma duce dincolo de doliu.
eram prezenta cu observarea , din nou, a felului in care fiintele din planul animal isi traiesc suferinta fizica: cu acceptare, fara sa se vaite, sa urle… sa se lamenteze, sa faca circ, sa atraga atentia, sa urmeze cursuri “pe trauma”, sa mearga la psiholog. stiu, stiu ce o sa imi spui… “noi nu suntem animale, suntem evoluati!” 🙂 right!
animalele se retrag, in liniste, cu ce este…
a inceput sa ploua… tare si asezat cumva, la fel curgeau si lacrimile pe obraji mei…
linistit
curgeau
calde
pline de ce este
vii
impacate
slava Cerului* ca am la indemana toate “instrumentele” sau pot fi cu toate astea din mintea mea.
vipassana mi-a oferit asta…
cursul de miracole mi-a oferit asta…
drum lin, prieten drag.
am salutat-o din nou si pe tanti Maria care a plecat si ea acum mai bine de doua saptamani si pe toti cei are au plecat din mine <3
v-am zis ca scopul meu in viata e sa mor in pace, asa-i?
(*) “Cerul” – vezi dictionarul miraculos (curand)
![Anna Breytenbach – Buddha at the Gas Pump Interview: presence, awareness, ripples, seen, unseen [video]](https://iulia-sara.ro/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/Anna-Breytenbach.jpg)
Anna Breytenbach – Buddha at the Gas Pump Interview: presence, awareness, ripples, seen, unseen [video]
“we are just differently arranged holding patterns”
Farewell, Sia baby, thank you for each moment!
I wanted to post about Sia, our Labrador puppy, for a long time… now the time, out time together… is gone. I write this to not forget. How can I?…
Sia was a gift from Kati, on old friend of mine from Tg. Mures. It was coming into our lives right after Ricky has gone… Her mom, Sofi, had a litter of 10 puppies.
Sia and all her brothers (seven) and sisters (other two) were born softly, in the night, in the silence of Sofi’s cage, at home, with the whole family watching them from a distance, in awe.
We first visited them when the puppies were about 5-6 weeks young. And I wanted Kati to keep Sia until she well be 8 weeks, so she can have more time with mom and her family.
Sofi and her 10 hungry balls of pure joy 
how can you not love them, she’s there somewhere! if I remember correctly, Sia is the first on the left. We went after her in Tg. Mures in the 8th of June, two day before me leaving for the vipassana retreat. I remember feeling jealous at him for being her “mom”, as he would be the first to care for her (feed her, pet her, caress her) in her first period with us here at Bhudeva. She was two months then,
When we departed from Kati’s me, Kati and the kids weer all crying… Sia was the last puppy who was leaving home and Sofi… and for them. I was projecting my feeling on Sofi, who was left with no puppies out of ten, on the kids who needed to say goodbye to all of them… I was feeling about9 Sia, being “taken” away from what she felt familiar until that moment, with no gradual process in between worlds. I was also happy, that this little tiny fluffy living thing is coming into our lives.
On our drive back home she was crying a bit no sensing any of the familiar smells, but also curious and exploring the new smells (of us, of the car, of everything new, of the big world outside). I was comforting her talking with her with soft voice, petting her. She slept on the bin that we’ve put her in. We stopped and peed a few times outside on the grass, on our way.
When we arrived home she was fast tired of all the new things… she slept on my arms for the first time. I felt blessed.
In fact her first days, weeks were all about eating, sleeping, pooping, peeing, chewing… everything what a baby dog is about. She eat, she move around a bit and then she just dropped there where she was, falling asleep. Sometimes we were playing and she was… falling asleep :).
I left and Ronen was here training her – when I left I was thinking with my old patterns: please, don’t brake her… let her BE, free… she was free! And Ronen was right all the time – she needed emotional stability with firmness.
She learnt fast to sit for food. She was a FAST learner… eager to do things for us. To BE with us… she followed us everywhere.
She was all about JOY… enjoying life every step. Every blade of grass existed like it was made for her to play with.
Ronen is usually peeing outside, next to the trees and around Bhudeva’s green Beings… Sia was his pee guardian :).
In a few weeks after we brought her home she learnt how to hunt bugs, after the sun set. Right after the sunset, there were some bugs coming out of grass outside in the valley. I was noticing her a few evenings dissappearing, wondering what she is after. One evening I went after her, watching her from a distance. She was out in the valley, hunting… the bugs, as they were trying to come out of the grass. I was so proud of her: quite some protein intake (yum, yum for her!) and my little hunter… versatile and free rage baby dog! She was still little.
our first days together <3 Anyway, she was growing like crazy. Many times when we were coming inside the house, after a few hours of not seeing her, when we saw her again, we were: “OMG, you grew some more again since we haven’t seen you!” I was amazed of how fast she was growing! I knew big dogs are going like that but to see it “in action”…!
She was chewing everything at… mouth! 🙂 We were gifted by Sweety some toys Fram din’t play with: the duck, a frisbee, a snake – cordeline. Then wood which is everywhere around…
I have something to chew on, in my mouth, even if you don’t see it 🙂 
Chewing on pork leather (have no idea where she got it from!, now it’s dry, she was dragging it fresh for a few days before this) When we were playing SHE was SO into it! She wanted to play with us! She was bringing the duck to us, just for a little tug-of-war.
The duck was her favorite toy. She was chewing on it many times, often. She was fetching it also. She WAS indeed a retriever. She was fetching the duck, the frisbee, a piece of wood if it was thrown for that. In the first weeks when we started to play, as she was still small and the grass was taller then her, she would lost the fetch sometimes. In times, she learnt to “search” just by saying the word while she was looking for it. It’s amazing how that duck lasted to long in Sia’s mouth!
She was a devourer while eating. In fact she was vacuuming, not eating. She would eat anything. Swallowing hole. We gave her kibbles and also brought raw chicken from Oncos, and sometimes left-over cheese and cooked food. She enjoyed fruits (banana, watermelon, peach, apricot, apples). She eat some carrots and raw zucchini. She didn’t like tomatoes :). She also, in time, learnt to wait for Indi, our other dog, to eat and leave. Indi sometimes left kibbles in her plate, so Sia was waiting patiently for Indi to leave so she can eat also that food. We called her “The Beats” – as a sweet code name for when we were talking about her without her knowing this… then it become a second name when we were referring her.
She learnt to go to the sheepfold in the valley and scrap on sheep leftovers the Sheppard were scarifying there. She was bringing everything home… so our yard transformed soon into a.. graveyard :). sheep parts (bones with some leftover on them mostly) all over the place. The most interesting times were the hottest days this summer (37-38 C) and outside was smelling so… delicious, I assume, for her :). I was collecting the dried leftover bones every couple of weeks, was she was finishing taking everything out of them. She was so enjoying herself: either chewing on bones, or playing with them sometimes… It was just like having kids with toys spread all over the place – there’s no point in “cleaning” the house every day, tomorrow it’s a new play-time full day!
collecting sheep parts from the yard 🙂 She enjoyed being in the hummock. Every time I was putting it on, she come and asked to be on. She would play with me, then settle and relax, even sleep in it. Sometimes after me leaving the hummock, she would stay some more… relaxed and enjoying… The last times when I got her on, she was SO heavy.
shhhh, I’m sleeping 🙂 
hey, you woke me up! 🙂 Here’s some glimpses of our love affair, in the hummock…
She was SO BEAUTIFUL! Beautiful skin, beautiful body, beautiful fur, beautiful eyes, beautiful eye-lashes, beautiful paws… she was well proportions, getting so powerful and strong every day.
When she was around you just could not be sad. She filled you with joy, instantly. When we were working in the cellar she come over. Playing with everything – with some sand grains, with the handle of Ronen shovel, with the soil he was digging out, with a leaf on the pathway, with something we was carrying around…with EVERYTHING! 🙂 She was sleeping next to us working… in such confidence… we were carrying well-barrows around, passing with the weels just cm away from her head and nose… when she was in deep sleep nothing could disturb her. She was so funny learning how to come to us in the back-up side of the construction – not to whine from below but to go around and really get to us, just to be petted in joy!
She was healthy…. until two days ago, when we notice her not coming for food. No rotating her tale, coming only the 6th time on call… strange for our Sia… That was not Sia that we knew… I thought she was in some distress so we let her be… but she was not going well. Yesterday morning Ronen woke me up early (for me)… waiting for me to wake up and saying “Sia needs help”. When I heard his tone I knew it was not good.
hummocking… with our beautiful loving baby girl, Sia. Look how BIG she got! Our Sia baby passed away last evening at couple of minutes after 22:00… outside and inside also today… grief… don’t know what I am grieving about… filled with sadness. can’t find the reason to live… I know this will pass to. I want to be with it. I know, how it was some other times, will bring me more profoundness and even more love for life. Now it’s this…
We agreed (Ronen proposed) to cremate her. It felt right – free her into the sky above.
Her last moments into that form… I asked for the duck… Ronen found it into the night, put her next to her mouth… she will play with and chew on it, forever!
… to ashes… I feel empty, hollow. This morning I couldn’t find a reason to get up. Went outside – the yard if full with leftover bones Sia chewed on in the last weeks. A plastic bottle also… there’s an emptiness outside… and I know is the projection of the emptiness inside me. Anyway, the air is not filled with this creature who came to me in joy to express her happiness that I went outside and that wanted just to be around. Her tail was a separate creature. She was the only dog I met who was not waving her tail but rotating it. Like a rotor. and it was not only her tale but her whole body was rejoicing the tail in happiness. We were joking with Ronen that we should connect her tail to some power generator and use some happy-free energy.
In the time we’ve spent together, from 8th of June to Sept 16 (2017) she brought JOY.. pure joy into our lives. She was living in the present moment: now eating, now playing, now sleeping, now eating, now playing, now playing, now playing. She was my Master of Joy… every day I was here with her. There were times when I felt lower on energy… I only needed to go out and see her and her tail <3…
I can write so many details about many things – these are the ones that carved my soul these days…
- about how I tried until almost the last moment, to keep her… Ronen was more present then me,
- how I still hoped her strong body and health will hold longer, realizing much later she was not going too,
- how aggressive this virus / or poison was… taking her away so fast,
- how yesterday, in the cellar, sensing that smell and thinking a few times “What is with this smell of death here?” was so clear,
- how my thoughts of guild are creeping in: “If I would have been doing things earlier”, “if I would have paid more attention and take action”, “if I would have not trust the vet in village” etc., etc.
- how I felt Ronen’s tears too,
- how I was gifted to assist a passing over (my first one like this, with complete form): the day before yesterday seeing her not-her, yesteday in pain, the final struggle of a body in total pain and collapse, the peaceful surrender and relaxation in her body before the last breaths, the last breaths, her last breath… and total silence… Ronen with his hand on her heart in her last moments, mine on her shoulder, caressing her, being there with her…. On the deck, where we spent much time together.
- how we let her pass away between planes, sitting next to her, talking to her, touching her face and body as the body was getting cold, comforting her while her spirit still can feel bodily sensations (they say), Ronen lighting a candle…
- how Ronen again, did the preparing for cremation.. me being with “how many of our babies we’re still going to bury?”
- me not wanting to live anymore… yet still knowing this will pass too, something else will come, which will pass
Ah… her name came to me when Kati said she will gift us a puppy, in our phone conversation back in May. It suddenly came to my mind, as I was listening to Kati on the phone.. “Sia”… as a short for Anastasia… Sia means “immortal” in Greek”, and “the one who brings joy” in Persian. I found out later…
All the other pictured I have with her…
There are so many inside… I need to stop, try to sleep…. see what tomorrow brings…
Some words from Sunni’s book come to me know, so I will follow:
Creating Sacred Birthing, creates Sacred Living, creates Sacred Deathing, creates Sacred Birthing, creates….
Life and death themes are with me in the last 2 years now… the wheel keeps turning…
Baby girl, Sia, I will forever be grateful for spending this time together, gifting us with your pure JOY for life! Thank you for your Being, for being my Master of Joy! I still need to learn, cause’ in these moments I so miss you, can’t stop crying when I walk outside, can’t believe I cannot old and touch you anymore… and don’t want to keep you from your way with this! Thank you for gifting me, us, with your life and death…
Thank you, Kati, Jano, Julcsi, Andi es Perike – for gifting us such Joy! <3
my last picture of you 🙂 in this full-living beautiful form. we were harvesting “experimental” tomatoes from our raised-beds covered with carpets… You are free, baby girl! You are in the stars now….
May you forever in-joy, whatever form you’ll choose…
May you play along forever, with whatever Universe will bring your way… you have with you the ever-lasting-duck toy, now…
May you find peace and harmony…
May I learn from you…
birth, life, death continuum, dispersed
I wanted to post this on the 9th of April…
I am with the life and death themes for a long time now.
when I am connected, bhudeva showes me how the dance of birth, life & death goes… a butterfly passing buy… a dead snail in my shoes (killed by me stepping on it), a egg lost from a nest, an empty nest, nesting doves in our home, flying parent bird along with chicks in the sky – learning to fly, Indi moving slower from getting old, the house disintegrating, a LOT of mothers and babies around
Ricky disappeared: tomorrow will be one month since she’s not around anymore. I searched for her… called.. waited… I wanted closure… in the days that I still waited for her to appear I talked to Kati – she was telling me that Sofi gave birth to 10 wonderful puppies… And he whole family assisted to the birth… in the night… including their three kids… she said it was so soft, peaceful, normal… “not as women give birth these days”… yeah…
and as I was sharing with her about Ricky, she said she will offer us one of the puppies…
A Pearl come and went away… it was the 9th of April last year when she came into the physicality (8th of April, one day before, the papers of our divorce came out). it was the 16th of May afterwards when she left the first time.
she join the physicality again on the 28 of June (first ovulation after she left)… she left again on the 6th of September.
Is there other love grater then what I was gifted when she was here? Can LOVE be graded like this? the pain, the emptiness is still here. everything is engraved on the walls of my heart and soul <3.
I shared a video of natural births last days, as it was Mother’s day… Sunni brought it around <3. One of my dear mother friends wrote in private to tell me not to tag her in those kind of post because there are people in her list, even kinds who might see it and not get it. Yes, I can understand what she mean… and still, I am still amazed how we continue to not talk about birth, death as are something out of this world… maybe because we don’t talk about life?… are we ALIVE…?
am I ALIVE? there were moments in the last two months when I couldn’t find, feel my breath. those are the moments when I look at myself thinking that I might be… dead.. and not knowing it. It was one night, when Ronen was still away, in the day he got lost… with me feeling many things coming from him – pure warming vibration-heart melting-whole body embracing LOVE being one of those – and related to that side of the world and his experiences… my heart rate was 125 and rising… I got to a moment of surrendering… letting my body be with whatever experience comes… telling myself “If this is IT, I go in peace, I know love, I feel love, I feel pain, everything… this is life… if death is here, I am ready”. The only thing I was worried about were the technicalities of my funeral and my last wishes (which I didn’t write yet, soon that too…).
I am looking forward to BE at my birth too (writing soon about my conception, mom’s pragnancy, my parents intimacy, my birth and early childhood, talked with my mom for half a year now)… I so look forward to the Heal your own birth workshop, with Sunni…
In the last months didn’t practice… I am with it… I didn’t feel this down, so bottomless since summer time 2010…
one month of not sleeping (more then two hours in a row) and feeling Ronen and Sunni, then Ronen coming back – not settled, feeling him… then strained ankle (exactly two weeks ago, outside, transplanting vegetables)… feeling confined in my body, sometimes not trusting it… wanting to GO AWAY, to heal… not knowing in those moments I WAS HEALING…. meeting Marcel and Bowen… reconnecting with my amazing beautiful healing body, feeling it AS IT IS HEALING, meeting Octav in the hospital, even if I said I am assuming that way… feeling not clear and even raped when they took out Marcela’s bandage… being dependent on someone else to carry my to pee, eat and everything else… my mind away, I feel I am not me… I feel I am everyone else who doesn’t feel worthy, good enough, worthy to be loved, embraced, not seen etc…
amazed how bodies keep living even when we are dead inside… even when we (I!) don’t trust…
I feel I am disconnected now even from bhudeva… the green Beings that I planted… they did not came “as I have expected”… I feel it is about my relationship with them… in fact about not being there… not giving full life to that relationship (as I see relationships as a living Being of it’s own).
occupying my mind with True Blood these days, weeks…
cold, low energy level, depleted…
too much thinking about thinking, going out into the Light… with a decaf and something sweet to keep me inside the framework of my body (feeling the sensations).
