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Category: Pearl
empty nest
today I found it… on the porch… devoid of life
yesterday when we were outside I say she was not there… she was not nesting… they were both missing.
where was she? where were they? where is the chicken?
I felt for them also when she lost one egg, at the beginning of the nesting, some 6 weeks ago (?)… we found the broken egg on the porch.
I bet they didn’t cry for that… they moved on, driven by the force of life and death…
it’s just me who’s emptiness was touched by that…
today also… I am in a physically tired period (strong nausea, accumulated tiredness, out of feeding and sleeping rhythms, mind dispersed). after trying to rest some more, I come to eat… Ronen prepared late breakfast for us…
As I was chewing, swallowing… I felt SO TIRED, depleted of life…
I couldn’t help my head up… holding on the fork wash a tremendous effort… chewing, the same.
there was a moment in this state when the emptiness, missing of Pearl‘s embrace come to me (the fourth time when I feel this… missing)… overwhelming… so abrupt, unexpected. tears come out, warm tears, allowing them… I was being with the emptiness, the missing, the depletion… with softness.
their nest is empty too… out of life (maybe the chick is already attending its life) or out of death…?
short and clear
(I write this post in December 2016, yet the dream is still clear inside me; I usually don’t remember dreams for more then a day, or couple of days if they are really intense, strange. definitely I don’t remember details.)
just one days after I told Annelieke about IT, that a vibration of a Being is in the space again for a while now… and that I didn’t ask for a name, I had a short dream.
me and Ronen were outside on the deck, day light, sunny day, calm day and warm hearted space. I was facing the garden / yard, doing something (insignificant, it seams). Ronen was bend down to the rocket feeding hole, he was lightning the rocket stove. both of us were calm.
in that moment a young boy (about 4-5 years young) was calmly coming towards me from outside of the field view. he came from the sink side of the deck, my left side of the field view.
it was not a surprised he was there, not a surprise I didn’t know his face and I just “met” him… it was somehow natural and familiar for him to be in the space, for the three of us to be, it felt a natural togetherness.
I had a sense that he was new in the space and at the same time that he was there already with us.
he came to me and calmly and clearly said ” I am Daniel and I am going to come to you”, speaking as a mature person.
that’s it.
P… Pearl
this morning I opened my eyes before 7:00… it was total silence and I had this sense again that something invited me to wake up… in the most soft way…
I was only myself still… IT didn’t enter my space… yet I felt so connected…
the dawn was cracking into the light… a bit of light was coming into the room…
bhudeva was in total peace, serenity… i… the same
in a soft alertness… attentive, my mind was sharply clear, still in that space between the worlds where thoughts are ready to be born, my heart was soft and at ease, my body relaxed… in the next moments, really close to the moments next to waking up, I felt my attention drawn to my right ovary… a short physical soft-sensation was pinpointing to that space-place…
there and then in that state of being… it came to me…
it arouse into my awareness: P… Pearl… like this!… first the first letter… then… THE name… i stayed with that observation into the awareness, like something obvious (firesc, normal) was communicated TO me. serene…
then my mind came in…
i was noticing all the questions coming into my head, each asking for priority to be answered… “what name is this?!” “how do you really spell it?” “Is it a girl or a boy’s name?” “are you serious, I am Romanian… we live in Romania… what kind of a name is this in Romanian!? my Romanian family, some friends cannot even spell it!”, “how can you name a baby like that, here?!”, “is this baby wanting this name?”, ” is THIS the baby’s name?”… and so on…
followed my mind… started my phone.
first thing I wrote shortly to Ronen: “Perl”… as we were talking last time yesterday about “it”.
I went then into searching for the name meaning. I know what pearl means… I was thinking at the same time about how fascinated I am about the unfolding wholeness in which a pearl is coming into being, the preconditions needed for it (“HER!” it’s coming into my mind more and more) to emerge, how it’s shaped and born, how it’s growing, slowly, gradually.
I was browsing after “perl name meaning”… and found the IT/Tech area… noticing thinking about myself “not again!” (I was an IT person, in the past).
then I realized I wanted to search for “Pearl name meaning”!… found this: fruit, result, precious (latin), jewel, margarita (Greek), gabish (Hebrew, I found crystal for this too…), a gem of the sea…
my mind was searching, asking… so busy…
I left my phone, took a deep breath and my awareness was back into my body and inner space… back with that obviousness of the moment.
spend (t)here some time…
got up from bed, went to the window… the day was still birthing… more and more light was coming into the room… looked outside at bhudeva… serene… looked at myself looking at bhudeva…
i was in this sense-knowing I start to be clear…
now as I am writing this I notice my mind going in circles… telling me I am ballooning myself… I let that be with softness… being also connected with the clearness.
<3
now I can finally talk to YOU :), Pearl, not with “it”… as I did up until now.
thank you for reveling yourself, Pearl, for living me inside, for being with me, with us, for bringing us ALL the love you are, offering yourself to this world…
Pearl, I have so much to offer, to be, to say, to share… please, guide me <3
I am listening… <3
PS: I notice my old-story thoughts like “are you really posting this publicly on this website?! you know the whole world will see it, right?!” coming in…
yes, I AM, I know!! :)…
nothing to hide… in fact… so much to share…. to share my love <3 … to see myself…
I am sacred… how can I HIDE THIS?!!?!?!
<3
asking for a name
me to Ronen at 5:14 AM today in a night of coming and going from sleep… a lot with “IT” inside: “IT came to me the whole night… now… an hour ago, two hours ago… minutes around the sharp hours…I came and go in sleep…”he answered, asking: “IT???”
I answered: “da, don’t know how to name… the ONE that/which comes to me, lives my space… more and more often and for longer periods.”
then he said: “maybe if you ask for a name one will be presented to you :)”.
me: “I am… in listening mode… not only for the name…”
then I found myself inside… not asking for a name… I said to this Universe, to Mother Nature, in my heart: “I am listening, please guide me”.
I realized then that I was in listening mode… but not with specific intention, up to that moment.