embraced by softness

today I didn’t know if I want to be on the mat

in the last days, weeks, I haven’t been… (since 3.09).

I came anyway… as I did some other times, trusting the “I don’t know” and being with the … let’s see what’s coming… unfolding, being informed…

there was a softness, embracing me the whole practice… soft, grater then me…

I was offered a big embrace of softness…

I was RECEIVING this softness…

even if my upper back, shoulders and neck was stiff (at least in the first half of the practice)…

even when I am mechanistic in the asana…

this softness was with me all along today on the mat…

supporting me…

I was offered a surprisingly spacious breath

I feel my core regaining a soft vitality

not hurting anymore

for the first time since Pearl left again, I felt the warmth of my womb

I can receive,

I am embraced… by something greater then me

 

tat tvam asi

Coleman’s bed

Be taught now, among the trees and rocks,

how the discarded is woven into shelter,

learn the way things hidden and unspoken

slowly proclaim their voice into the world.

Find that inward symmetry

to all outward appearances, apprentice

yourself to yourself, begin to welcome back

all you sent away, be a new annunciation,

make yourself a door through which

to be hospitable, even to the stranger in you.

River Flow: New and Selected Poems, David Whyte, 2007

Francis Weller on Grief and Sorrow (2013)

I listened to Francis again this morning… to this talk.

he soothes my soul…in these moments when I allow grief to wipe me inside out and leave me sometimes empty.. sometimes with gratefulness and appreciation of the human soul… sometimes with hate… sometimes with soft love for myself.. compassion for my coming home… kindness for he soul-mates who are walking the same path.

what I remained with from his talk touched my need of sharing my emotional stories… of communing… of the tribe where to let my sorrows out… for us to share our hearts in a contexts of trust, in acknowledgement of that we also carry this for so long already… where we ca to come together and be seen… vulnerable… with no control… powerful at the same time.

and I will take that into reality… I wanted it for so long… that time is here… let’s see where this goes…

 

there are so many things he said that I could quote from this talk that it would take me to do the transcript of the whole conversation to put everything that touched me here…

thank God (that is implying myself too <3) for coming close to Francis at these times.

 

first thing we shared he sat down and he said face-to-face and he reached over any part of this big rock that he had by his chair and he said “this is my clock, I operate at geologic speed and if you’re going to work with the soul you need to learn this rhythm because this is how the soul moves” and he pointed to a clock and said “it hates this”.
I have no interest in improving your life, I have no interest
in fixing your problems. All i want to do with you is help you listened more deeply to what your soul is actually asking of you to live this life more fully and the symptoms that brought him in the room, whether it’s depression or addiction or anxiety… that’s the grace, that’s what got them in the room… that’s not the problem. The problem is a dissociated relationship to their soul which is by
a large how we are conditioned to live in this culture.
your grief will not end; it will change over time; it will become this bitter sweet melancholy that will accompany you forever. but this is your new relationship to your wife (me: lost one), this is how you will walk with her forever now this is this is how she is. this is the evidence that you choose to love, this is the evidence that you allowed someone to penetrate your heart and take up a dwelling-place there.
this is the true right of love as well that love and loss the first Gator grief is that everything you love you will lose.
“you have so much joy” … “that’s because I cry a lot”
grief is subversive, undermining the quiet agreement to behave and be in control of our emotions it is an act of protest that declares our refusal to live dumb and small […] grief is necessary to the vitality of our soul; contrary to our f,ears grief is fused with life force it is riddled with energy and acknowledgement of the erotic coupling with another soul, whether human, animal, plant or ecosystem; it is not a state of deadness or emotional flatness… grief is alive, wild, untamed and cannot be domesticated. resist the demands to remain passive and still we move in jangled unsettled and riotous ways when grief takes all of us. it is truly an emotion that rises from the soul.

from fairies, with love

in ultima noastra intalnire, FairyGodMothers mi-au oferit iubire la pachet… la propriu…

am oferit una alteia biletele, cu iubire pe ele, intr-un plic…

plicul meu e plin de iubire! :) <3

pana zilele am deschis plicul de trei ori (cate un biletel nou de fiecare data plus recitit cele deschise inainte), iar ultimele zile… traind multe momente mixte, printre care si de pierdere, deznadejze, jale, suparare, disperare, tristete adanca, lipsa de incredere, vina, repros… am deschis din nou plicul… si azi le-am “epuizat pe toate…

am primit iubire…

scriu aici ce am primit… sa nu uit si sa pot sa recitesc oriunde as fi… si poate cand “pierd” plicul.

dragile mele, sunteti cu mine… in momentele astea in care am mare nevoie…

si ma gandesc si la ce v-am scris eu pe biletel… un biletel mic, ce nu poate sa incapa tot ce voiam si vreau sa exprim… nu pot scrie “la comanda”…

poate ca daca nu dau coltul in viata asta prea repede va voi spune fiecareia in parte sau va voi chiar scrie o scrisoare de mana, la fiecare, ca sa incerc sa exprim… sau poate doar va voi purta in suflet, asa cum o fac deja de mult… si va trimit metta cand stau jos…

 

ma intorc la plicul meu cu iubire…

le pun, aproximativ, in ordinea in care le-am deschis…

Iulia,

ce senzatie de joaca, dans si libertate, senzualitate imi aduci cu tine, cu imbratisarea ta.

Zambet frumos si larg, brate iubitoare.

Drumuri in curgere, sa mergi cu lumina, impacare, implinire si iubire.

A.

Draga zana Iulia,

te imbratisez cu mult drag, sunt mereu alaturi de tine, esti o femeie minunata si ma bucur enorm ca am pornit impreuna in aceasta calatorie.

Te iubesc!

intelepciune

acceptare

blandete

Te iubesc

femeie care cu puterea,

cu puterea ei, puterea ei

deschide pamanturile, pamanturile

Imbratisare

R.

Te iubesc Iulia, copilul Soarelui si al Lunii! Femeie minunata si radianta! Zana care mi-a deschis intaia oara usa spatiului acestuia.

M.

Fa o plimbare in ploaie… cand simti

IULIA

For some reason our journeys have met.

Pare ca avem drum impreuna

pare ca, for some reason, avem inca de TRAIT

tot suntem aduse impreuna

asa ca… suntem

Esti frumoasa

Esti curajoasa

Esti puternica

Esti sensibila

Esti…

multumesc pentru fiecare clipa in care ne vedem.

Cu drag,

E.

Draga Iulia,

Iti sunt atat de recunoscatoare! Te-am simtit atat de aproape, inca de la inceput. Da, cu adevarat, ai fost zana mea. Am descoperit la tine multe oglindiri ale mele, multe valori pe care mi le doresc si eu sa faca parte din mine. Tu mi-ai aratat cat e de important sa ma regasesc, sa ma iubesc, sa ma descopar, sa am curajul sa fiu eu. Te-am simtit de-a lungul acestei calatorii ca un ghid, ca o calauza blanda si iubitoare.

Imi place energia lucrurilor primite de la tine. Poate de aceea la port cu atata placere si simt ca mi se potrivesc foarte bine.

Te iubesc si iti multumesc tare, zana mea iubita! Esti minunata!

Te pup si te imbratisez!

A.

Iulia draga mea,

Bine ai venit acasa! Asa te simt… ACASA!

Vine cu Pace si cu Bine! Chiar si cand e greu.

Sa-ti fie acasa si in continuare, in locul si cu oamenii cei mai potriviti.

A.

Vinzi voie buna… nu rosii :*

Eu de la inceput te-am simtit ca un vulcan de iubire si spatiu de manifestare. Suflet liber si aventuros ce esti si pentru care iti multumesc!

T. <3

Here when you need me

Urmatorul vine cu o inima mare, cu picatele, cu inimoare in inimioare… cu o crenguta de Mana Natura…

Pentru I(<3)uli(<3)a Sara (cuprins intr-o inima mare)

Licuricii te iubesc……..<3

Marile te iubesc………..<3

Aerul te iubeste………..<3

Eu te iubesc……………..<3

Padurea te iubeste ….<3

Iulia <3

Cararile noastre s-au intalnit din nou pe pe bucata frumoasa de drum.

Multumesc ca esti in viata mea!

Iti doresc sa iti fie drumul lin in continuare, cu pace si multa iubire.

Te imbratisez cu mare drag.

Te iubesc <3

S.

Urmatoarea e ca un pachetel, ce contine ceva…

Draga Iulia

Voiam sa iti pregatesc un cadou, dar si dori (mi-am dat seama) sa te folosesti de contactul meu si sa ma chemi cand ai nevoie, oricand ai nevoie… de o zana… sau defalt de mine, asa cum sunt :).

Cu imbratisare,

E.

Si primeste o pietricica, de la Mama Pamant, de la Cupole… puternica, tare, stabila, claditoare, rece, calda, prezenta

Urmatoarea e un evantai…

Draga Iulia,

In tine am vazut cea mai mare vulnerabilitate. feminitate si siguranta in acelasi timp.

Multumesc pentru cand te-ai deschis si cum te-ai deschis!

D.

Urmatoarea e ca un origami… ca o broscuta (sare peste cap! :)) )… un avion sau o racheta…

Suntem cu tine

Impreuna!

ma voi intoarce la plicul meu cu iubire ori-de-cate-ori voi simti…

cu plecaciune,

<3

from shame to self-compassion

Shame closes the heart to self-compassion. We live with an internal state best characterized as self-hatred. In order to loosen shame’s grip on out lives, we need to make three moves. The first is from feeling worthles to seeing ourselves as wounded. The second emerges from the first and is a shift from seeing ourselves throught the lens of contempt to one of a budding compassion. And the third is moving from silence to sharing. As long as we see our suffering as evidence of worthlessness, we will not move towards our wounds with anything but judgement.

[…]

The third move we must take, from.silence to sharing, is important, but be mindful to share these vulnerable truths only with people you fully trust.

The Wild Edge of Sorrow” by Francis Weller

reverence of approach

An apprenticeship with sorrow invites us to learn the rites of grief and to practice a reverence of approach, as Irish poet/philosopher John O’Donohue suggests. He writes, “What you encounter, recognize or discover depends to a large degree on the quality of your approach… When we approach with reverence, great things decide to approach us.” How we approach our sorrows profoundly affects what comes to us in return. We often hold grief at a distance, hoping to avoid our entanglement with his challenging emotion. This leads to our feeling detached, disconnected and cold. At other times, there is not space between us and the grief we are feeling.We are them swept up in the tidal surge of sorrow and often feel as though we are drowning. An approach of reverence offers us the chance to learn a more skillful pattern of relating with grief. When we come to our grief with reverence, we find ourselves in right relationship with sorrow, neither too far away nor too close. We have entered into an ongoing conversation with this difficult, holy visitor. Learning we can be with grief, holding it softly and warmly, is the first task in our apprenticeship.

Approaching sorrow, however, requires enormous psychic strength. For us to tolerate the rigors of engaging the images, emotions, memories and dreams that arises in times of grief, we need to fortify our interior ground. This is done through developing a practice that we sustain over time, Any form will do – writing, drawing, meditation, prayer, dance or something else – as long as we continue to show up and maintain our effort. A practice offers ballast, something to help us hold steady in difficult times. This deepens our capacity to hold the vulnerable emotions surrounding loss without being overwhelmed by them. Grief work is not passive: it implies an ongoing practice of deepening, attending and listening. It is an act of devotion, rooted in love and compassion.

One of the most essential skills we need to develop in our apprenticeship is our ability to stay present in our adult selves when grief arises.

The Wild Edge of Sorrow” by Francis Weller

apprenticeship with sorrow

I’ve just started to read  “The Wild Edge of Sorrow” by Francis Weller

some months ago, as Ronen was sharing, I listened to Charles Eisenstein’s podcast… a talk with Francis Weller about grief and reverence. I was touched by Francis…

I remember taking some notes on their talks (don’t know where they are, hmmm)… then I forget Francis’s name… but the ripples of their talked remained in my heart and still ripples so alive in my life…

then couple of days ago, an ordered book arrived home… Ronen order Francis’s book “The Wild Edge of Sorrow”! :)

as I start reading I’ve already connected to Francis sayings:

Everyone of us must undertake an apprenticeship with sorrow. We must learn and art and craft of grief, discover the profound ways it ripens and deepen us. While grief is an intense emotion, it is also a skill we develop through a prolonged walk with loss. Facing grief is hard work… it takes outrageous courage to face outrageous loss. This is precisely what we are being called to do.”

I feel more like…called to… be with.

and also a 12 century poem included in the preface of the book:

‘Tis a fearful thing,

To love

What death can touch.

To love, to hope, to dream,

And oh, to lose,

A thing for fools, this,

Love,

But a holy thing

To love what death can touch.

speaking of impermanence

 

looking forward to dive with Francis… into exploring grief, loss, pain, sorrow…

impermanence and an instant

The realization that everything is subject to change may be the greatest obstacle to happiness. We welcome those changes that bring moments of delight and satisfaction – the birth of a child, the recovery from illness, financial gain. Yet, even in these moments, we sense movement. Change takes away the beauty and energy of youth. At peaks of health we know that we will again experience injury and illness. Possessions acquired through wealth can be lost or lose their power to gratify. Change always seems pointed toward a sense of loss, inevitably of life itself.

And yet it is precisely in this understanding of the inevitability of change that the meaning of Yoga enters our life and beckons toward happiness.

This is Yoga as the progression into the new.

“Health, Healing and Beyond – Yoga and the Living Tradition of KRISHNAMACHARYA”, by T.K. V. Desikachar with R.H. Craven

Thank God I have met Sayagyi U Ba Khin and Goenka through Adi de la Brad and Geonka’s teaching assistants, Nathamuni-Krishnamacharya through his lineage Desikachar-Paul-Ziva-Ronen.

Ronen was asking me yesterday if I see the benefits of Yoga into my life, mostly now when I am into a… living-situation :) let call it.

OH, GOD! Thank GOD I have chosen to start learning to breath (in 2007) and still practicing… thank god I know everything changes… when I know… when I don’t I am humbly reminded… thank god for the softness I can be with in my darkest moments… thank god for the breath which is not mine and yet fills me with live and vibrancy…

I have a new practice for a couple of days now. The focus of my practice  is the giving into the exhale, the letting go… and receiving (or see what’s coming, discovering there) in the inhale. In the first time I was on the mat in the new practice, I had a moment…

a moment when I was the giver…it was on an exhale quite at the beginning of the practice… it was an instant realization

there were so many in that instant… that THIS might be my last breath… this is everything I can offer… yet it is not mine… I am just a tube… I don’t know what will follow, what is after… yet I totally trust…

today I (let’s call it) celebrate… 21st of August 2007 was the first day of my first vipassana course… was the day when I started to get into anapana-sati…

I was starting to bring life… breath.. back into this amazing vessel which is this body… to grasp death and life are part of the same coin… and are here every moment, in every breath I… take (?)… I am offered… Universe is filling me with every breath… star dust… sacredness.

I am offered this experience, along with so many other sacred spirits along the way…

not easy traveling… but.. PPFFF!!! FULL!!! of everything what life means!!…

in my yesterday practice PERSEVERANCE come to me… patience and perseverance, with softness. in the last days I go to the mat with Tirumalai in my heart… being grateful for all the effort he put in this lifetime for humanity (there are so many others!!). I am here to assume some effort… for my Spirit, for all the beings which are on the way.

even when my asanas are mechanistic, I can see that, can be with that.. or if I don’t see (am), I catch it as it has just passed… accept that and move on …. with perseverance… don’t lose time and energy in judging… putting more effort (attentiveness and presence) in being into the moment… a new breath is here… inhale.. exhale… this is what I can offer, letting go…

heading to the mat in reverence… celebrating each breath at a time…

may all beings be free of suffering,

may all beings be happy,

may we all know pace and harmony inside.

poem by Krishnamacharya

OH, sleep mind,

Praise Lord Krishna, remember the God of Knowledge.

Pray to the Teacher,

For, when the body becomes weak and depleted,

Your education will not save you.

 

Knowing for sure that all the objects you come

into contact with are impermanent.

Do not get lost in them, instead,

Again and again resolve to be aware of the Eternal Self.

 

Where is the conflict when the Truth is known,

Where is the disease when the mind is clear,

Where is death when the breath is controlled,

Therefore surrender to Yoga.

 

Men desires objects when tender in ages,

Enjoys them when young,

Seeks Yoga when middle aged and

Develops detachment when old.

 

One who is deeply absorbed in God and with a firm mind

Salutes Him with all his heart, everything He desires,

And the Lord smilingly asks,

“What more do you need?”

 

Regular Yoga practice steadies the mind,

Regular chanting develops initiative and intelligence,

Unwavering meditation results in extraordinary benefits,

And the repetition of Mantra helps in self-realization.

 

Speak the truth that is pleasant,

See everyone in the light of friendship,

Remove the body of its toxins, and acquire

The best of education, humility and wealth.

 

Regulate the breath,

Be happy and link the mind with the Lord

in your heart.

So reveals Yogi Tirumala Krishna,

As a message for humanity.

Poem by Tirumalai Krishnamacharya

(not) good enough… and the next level

all my life I had, have and will have the “not good enough”, “not worthy” (and all the variations that comes with it) program, in my mind.. I was seriously trained for this in my childhood ;)… SOOOO good at it!

lately, I can look at it, smile, move on with MUCH less energy lost in going with it and living it… many times with noticing the thought or noticing the starting of a potentially manifesting action. even when I manifest those thoughts… I can catch the feeling building inside me (sensations in my body are great pointers for that)… noticing it… smiling at it.. or catching the end of the feeling… even in those situations, the noticing gets the power of the overall program to get weaker. it takes effort, practice, every day, every moment… don’t think it’s coming for free!

even if the “I am good!”, “I can do this better then…”, “I am definitely better then… at…” it’s just the other side of the same coin… for me it feels like the next “level” of the “game”. :))

I know I’m going to win… MUHAHAHAHA!

:))

loving this spirit and the mind-matter interactions IT experiences.

<3