birth, life, death continuum, dispersed

I wanted to post this on the 9th of April…

I am with the life and death themes for a long time now.

 

when I am connected, bhudeva showes me how the dance of birth, life & death goes… a butterfly passing buy… a dead snail in my shoes (killed by me stepping on it), a egg lost from a nest, an empty nest, nesting doves in our home, flying parent bird along with chicks in the sky – learning to fly, Indi moving slower from getting old, the house disintegrating, a LOT of mothers and babies around

 

Ricky disappeared: tomorrow will be one month since she’s not around anymore. I searched for her… called.. waited… I wanted closure… in the days that I still waited for her to appear I talked to Kati – she was telling me that Sofi gave birth to 10 wonderful puppies… And he whole family assisted to the birth… in the night… including their three kids… she said it was so soft, peaceful, normal… “not as women give birth these days”… yeah…

and as I was sharing with her about Ricky, she said she will offer us one of the puppies…

 

 

A Pearl come and went away… it was the 9th of April last year when she came into the physicality (8th of April, one day before, the papers of our divorce came out). it was the 16th of May afterwards when she left the first time.

she join the physicality again on the 28 of June (first ovulation after she left)… she left again on the 6th of September.

Is there other love grater then what I was gifted when she was here? Can LOVE be graded like this? the pain, the emptiness is still here. everything is engraved on the walls of my heart and soul <3.

 

 

I shared a video of natural births last days, as it was Mother’s day… Sunni brought it around <3. One of my dear mother friends wrote in private to tell me not to tag her in those kind of post because there are people in her list, even kinds who might see it and not get it. Yes, I can understand what she mean… and still, I am still amazed how we continue to not talk about birth, death as are something out of this world… maybe because we don’t talk about life?… are we ALIVE…?

 

am I ALIVE? there were moments in the last two months when I couldn’t find, feel my breath. those are the moments when I look at myself thinking that I might be… dead.. and not knowing it. It was one night, when Ronen was still away, in the day he got lost… with me feeling many things coming from him – pure warming vibration-heart melting-whole body embracing LOVE being one of those – and related to that side of the world and his experiences… my heart rate was 125 and rising… I got to a moment of surrendering… letting my body be with whatever experience comes… telling myself “If this is IT, I go in peace, I know love, I feel love, I feel pain, everything… this is life… if death is here, I am ready”. The only thing I was worried about were the technicalities of my funeral and my last wishes (which I didn’t write yet, soon that too…).

 

I am looking forward to BE at my birth too (writing soon about my conception, mom’s pragnancy, my parents intimacy, my birth and early childhood, talked with my mom for half a year now)… I so look forward to the Heal your own birth workshop, with Sunni…

 

 

In the last months didn’t practice… I am with it… I didn’t feel this down, so bottomless since summer time 2010…

one month of not sleeping (more then two hours in a row) and feeling Ronen and Sunni, then Ronen coming back – not settled, feeling him… then strained ankle (exactly two weeks ago, outside, transplanting vegetables)… feeling confined in my body, sometimes not trusting it… wanting to GO AWAY, to heal… not knowing in those moments I WAS HEALING…. meeting Marcel and Bowen… reconnecting with my amazing beautiful healing body, feeling it AS IT IS HEALING, meeting Octav in the hospital, even if I said I am assuming that way… feeling not clear and even raped when they took out Marcela’s bandage… being dependent on someone else to carry my to pee, eat and everything else… my mind away, I feel I am not me… I feel I am everyone else who doesn’t feel worthy, good enough, worthy to be loved, embraced, not seen etc…

amazed how bodies keep living even when we are dead inside… even when we (I!) don’t trust…

 

I feel I am disconnected now even from bhudeva… the green Beings that I planted… they did not came “as I have expected”… I feel it is about my relationship with them… in fact about not being there… not giving full life to that relationship (as I see relationships as a living Being of it’s own).

 

occupying my mind with True Blood these days, weeks…

 

cold, low energy level, depleted…

 

too much thinking about thinking, going out into the Light… with a decaf and something sweet to keep me inside the framework of my body (feeling the sensations).