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Category: living
scrambled: feeling, being… writing
it was some two weeks ago when I noticed there are almost 100 published posts in my ( 🙂 this) blog.
now there are 104 published and 28 in drafts.
when I start this blog I was thinking “I have nothing to put here”…
I remember Ronen encouraging me to have a personal blog. first I rejected the idea, considering I have nothing to write “for the world”. then, when I realized I will do it for me, I came at peace, embracing the idea.
anyway, in many if my posts there are more things that I encounter, I quote, I feel / see / hear.
yes, these are all about me also, about things rippling inside…
but there is much more inside me… things what I would like to place them outside my mind (is this blog a creation of the mind? what is mind? is it outside? am I separated? where do I end?…) many times.
words don’t come easy for me. not in writing, not in speaking out.
maybe because clarity is not in place?… sometimes I know that is the case, sometimes words are not enough.
I many times look at my inner world, noticing feelings, emotions, sensations, experiences, perspectives. I many times look at them with the eye of the observer, of the impartial surgeon, of the writer… I many other times I am those…
many times imagining myself writing about it, in terms of placing them also outside of my mind, maybe to have a different perspective.
I sometimes notice myself I would like the world to see me, to feel me, to notice me… out of the need to be seen, acknowledged, loved.
I know the world is busy with their own… inner worlds.
so rarely I can collect my own feelings, thoughts, expressions… emotions… into words.
I wanna write about hurting, depression, circles, tribes….
about love and lack of it, mom, birthing, Pearl, Daniel, Ronen, Andreea & Mihaela, Sweety, Luci, Annelieke, Sunni, Andreea…
about being seen, not (good) enough, emptiness, about tears, warm healing tears…
about practice which is calling me and I look at it not following, knowing my mind is so dispersed…
about knowing that no one can do the inner work for me… and yet calling for a hand from outside…
about loneliness, impermanent states which seems eternal, unclarity and how this covers the sky of my being and ripples into other skies…
about being frozen…
about the softness or lack of it, for all these…
please… please, see me, embrace me sometimes… even if I don’t write, speak… my mind calls…
my heart and soul is yearning for belonging to the tribe, to the village.
empty nest
today I found it… on the porch… devoid of life
yesterday when we were outside I say she was not there… she was not nesting… they were both missing.
where was she? where were they? where is the chicken?
I felt for them also when she lost one egg, at the beginning of the nesting, some 6 weeks ago (?)… we found the broken egg on the porch.
I bet they didn’t cry for that… they moved on, driven by the force of life and death…
it’s just me who’s emptiness was touched by that…
today also… I am in a physically tired period (strong nausea, accumulated tiredness, out of feeding and sleeping rhythms, mind dispersed). after trying to rest some more, I come to eat… Ronen prepared late breakfast for us…
As I was chewing, swallowing… I felt SO TIRED, depleted of life…
I couldn’t help my head up… holding on the fork wash a tremendous effort… chewing, the same.
there was a moment in this state when the emptiness, missing of Pearl‘s embrace come to me (the fourth time when I feel this… missing)… overwhelming… so abrupt, unexpected. tears come out, warm tears, allowing them… I was being with the emptiness, the missing, the depletion… with softness.
their nest is empty too… out of life (maybe the chick is already attending its life) or out of death…?
emotional vitality
the very things that we require to stay emotionally vital: community, ritual, nature, compassion, reflection, beauty and love.
nature – checked 🙂
reflection, beauty, compassion – somehow started 😛 [I’m modest, I know 🙂 ]
the rest – on the way!
I feel ritual is the most far from me… I am with it…
community – I yearn for this!
Soul’s speed
Story told to Francis Weller by his mentor, Clarke…
Clarke reached to his left, place his hand over a large rock lying on a table, and said: “This is my clock, I operate at geological speed and if you are going to work with the soul, you need to learn this rhythm, because this is how the soul moves. And It hates this (pointing to a clock on the wall).”
Excerpt from The Wild Edge of Sorrow” by Francis Weller
Ordinary
Are you Musk? Or amber?
You scent is intoxicating!
The clay answers back…
I am just a humble piece of clay.
But for a day or two
I’ve kept the fellowship of roses.
It’s their companionship
that has had an impact on me.
Otherwise, I am just ordinary clay.
Francis Weller on Grief and Sorrow (2013)
I listened to Francis again this morning… to this talk.
he soothes my soul…in these moments when I allow grief to wipe me inside out and leave me sometimes empty.. sometimes with gratefulness and appreciation of the human soul… sometimes with hate… sometimes with soft love for myself.. compassion for my coming home… kindness for he soul-mates who are walking the same path.
what I remained with from his talk touched my need of sharing my emotional stories… of communing… of the tribe where to let my sorrows out… for us to share our hearts in a contexts of trust, in acknowledgement of that we also carry this for so long already… where we ca to come together and be seen… vulnerable… with no control… powerful at the same time.
and I will take that into reality… I wanted it for so long… that time is here… let’s see where this goes…
there are so many things he said that I could quote from this talk that it would take me to do the transcript of the whole conversation to put everything that touched me here…
thank God (that is implying myself too <3) for coming close to Francis at these times.
first thing we shared he sat down and he said face-to-face and he reached over any part of this big rock that he had by his chair and he said “this is my clock, I operate at geologic speed and if you’re going to work with the soul you need to learn this rhythm because this is how the soul moves” and he pointed to a clock and said “it hates this”.I have no interest in improving your life, I have no interestin fixing your problems. All i want to do with you is help you listened more deeply to what your soul is actually asking of you to live this life more fully and the symptoms that brought him in the room, whether it’s depression or addiction or anxiety… that’s the grace, that’s what got them in the room… that’s not the problem. The problem is a dissociated relationship to their soul which is bya large how we are conditioned to live in this culture.your grief will not end; it will change over time; it will become this bitter sweet melancholy that will accompany you forever. but this is your new relationship to your wife (me: lost one), this is how you will walk with her forever now this is this is how she is. this is the evidence that you choose to love, this is the evidence that you allowed someone to penetrate your heart and take up a dwelling-place there.this is the true right of love as well that love and loss the first Gator grief is that everything you love you will lose.“you have so much joy” … “that’s because I cry a lot”grief is subversive, undermining the quiet agreement to behave and be in control of our emotions it is an act of protest that declares our refusal to live dumb and small […] grief is necessary to the vitality of our soul; contrary to our f,ears grief is fused with life force it is riddled with energy and acknowledgement of the erotic coupling with another soul, whether human, animal, plant or ecosystem; it is not a state of deadness or emotional flatness… grief is alive, wild, untamed and cannot be domesticated. resist the demands to remain passive and still we move in jangled unsettled and riotous ways when grief takes all of us. it is truly an emotion that rises from the soul.reverence of approach
An apprenticeship with sorrow invites us to learn the rites of grief and to practice a reverence of approach, as Irish poet/philosopher John O’Donohue suggests. He writes, “What you encounter, recognize or discover depends to a large degree on the quality of your approach… When we approach with reverence, great things decide to approach us.” How we approach our sorrows profoundly affects what comes to us in return. We often hold grief at a distance, hoping to avoid our entanglement with his challenging emotion. This leads to our feeling detached, disconnected and cold. At other times, there is not space between us and the grief we are feeling.We are them swept up in the tidal surge of sorrow and often feel as though we are drowning. An approach of reverence offers us the chance to learn a more skillful pattern of relating with grief. When we come to our grief with reverence, we find ourselves in right relationship with sorrow, neither too far away nor too close. We have entered into an ongoing conversation with this difficult, holy visitor. Learning we can be with grief, holding it softly and warmly, is the first task in our apprenticeship.
Approaching sorrow, however, requires enormous psychic strength. For us to tolerate the rigors of engaging the images, emotions, memories and dreams that arises in times of grief, we need to fortify our interior ground. This is done through developing a practice that we sustain over time, Any form will do – writing, drawing, meditation, prayer, dance or something else – as long as we continue to show up and maintain our effort. A practice offers ballast, something to help us hold steady in difficult times. This deepens our capacity to hold the vulnerable emotions surrounding loss without being overwhelmed by them. Grief work is not passive: it implies an ongoing practice of deepening, attending and listening. It is an act of devotion, rooted in love and compassion.
One of the most essential skills we need to develop in our apprenticeship is our ability to stay present in our adult selves when grief arises.