this morning I opened my eyes before 7:00… it was total silence and I had this sense again that something invited me to wake up… in the most soft way…
I was only myself still… IT didn’t enter my space… yet I felt so connected…
the dawn was cracking into the light… a bit of light was coming into the room…
bhudeva was in total peace, serenity… i… the same
in a soft alertness… attentive, my mind was sharply clear, still in that space between the worlds where thoughts are ready to be born, my heart was soft and at ease, my body relaxed… in the next moments, really close to the moments next to waking up, I felt my attention drawn to my right ovary… a short physical soft-sensation was pinpointing to that space-place…
there and then in that state of being… it came to me…
it arouse into my awareness: P… Pearl… like this!… first the first letter… then… THE name… i stayed with that observation into the awareness, like something obvious (firesc, normal) was communicated TO me. serene…
then my mind came in…
i was noticing all the questions coming into my head, each asking for priority to be answered… “what name is this?!” “how do you really spell it?” “Is it a girl or a boy’s name?” “are you serious, I am Romanian… we live in Romania… what kind of a name is this in Romanian!? my Romanian family, some friends cannot even spell it!”, “how can you name a baby like that, here?!”, “is this baby wanting this name?”, ” is THIS the baby’s name?”… and so on…
followed my mind… started my phone.
first thing I wrote shortly to Ronen: “Perl”… as we were talking last time yesterday about “it”.
I went then into searching for the name meaning. I know what pearl means… I was thinking at the same time about how fascinated I am about the unfolding wholeness in which a pearl is coming into being, the preconditions needed for it (“HER!” it’s coming into my mind more and more) to emerge, how it’s shaped and born, how it’s growing, slowly, gradually.
I was browsing after “perl name meaning”… and found the IT/Tech area… noticing thinking about myself “not again!” (I was an IT person, in the past).
then I realized I wanted to search for “Pearl name meaning”!… found this: fruit, result, precious (latin), jewel, margarita (Greek), gabish (Hebrew, I found crystal for this too…), a gem of the sea…
my mind was searching, asking… so busy…
I left my phone, took a deep breath and my awareness was back into my body and inner space… back with that obviousness of the moment.
spend (t)here some time…
got up from bed, went to the window… the day was still birthing… more and more light was coming into the room… looked outside at bhudeva… serene… looked at myself looking at bhudeva…
i was in this sense-knowing I start to be clear…
now as I am writing this I notice my mind going in circles… telling me I am ballooning myself… I let that be with softness… being also connected with the clearness.
<3
now I can finally talk to YOU :), Pearl, not with “it”… as I did up until now.
thank you for reveling yourself, Pearl, for living me inside, for being with me, with us, for bringing us ALL the love you are, offering yourself to this world…
Pearl, I have so much to offer, to be, to say, to share… please, guide me <3
I am listening… <3
PS: I notice my old-story thoughts like “are you really posting this publicly on this website?! you know the whole world will see it, right?!” coming in…
yes, I AM, I know!! :)…
nothing to hide… in fact… so much to share…. to share my love <3 … to see myself…
I am sacred… how can I HIDE THIS?!!?!?!
<3