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(not) good enough… and the next level
all my life I had, have and will have the “not good enough”, “not worthy” (and all the variations that comes with it) program, in my mind.. I was seriously trained for this in my childhood ;)… SOOOO good at it!
lately, I can look at it, smile, move on with MUCH less energy lost in going with it and living it… many times with noticing the thought or noticing the starting of a potentially manifesting action. even when I manifest those thoughts… I can catch the feeling building inside me (sensations in my body are great pointers for that)… noticing it… smiling at it.. or catching the end of the feeling… even in those situations, the noticing gets the power of the overall program to get weaker. it takes effort, practice, every day, every moment… don’t think it’s coming for free!
even if the “I am good!”, “I can do this better then…”, “I am definitely better then… at…” it’s just the other side of the same coin… for me it feels like the next “level” of the “game”. :))
I know I’m going to win… MUHAHAHAHA!
:))
loving this spirit and the mind-matter interactions IT experiences.
<3
Krishnamacharya and all the humble spirits
last night around 4 am I woke up with Krishnamacharya in my mind and heart.
I am reading these days “Yoga and the Living Tradition of KRISHNAMACHARYA”, written by his son T.K. V. Desikachar with R.H. Craven… and feeling so grateful to further discover the humbleness of this… man.
last night I had this deep feeling of gratefulness for all the spirits that touches my life and brought me to this moment… spirits what keeps humanity living, what cares for life…
all came to me last night…
my father come to me… the first time when I met humbleness in this lifetime was in my father… he was offering so much for this world, in his context, without asking for anything in return, having this deep trust that all is good… and being good and doing good just as a way of living… i recognized this later… when he was not around in the physicality.
Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh come to me… he offered my a glimpse of what love and life can be… lit my life in some of the most “darkest” moments… moments that got me into the light… his humbleness offered me hope… i always knew there is something grater then me and my “issues” and he touched that in me… he was gone from this physical world when I found him… but so grateful to live some of my lifetime when he also lived (departed 1990).
Buddha, Saya Gyi U Ba Khin, S.N. Goenka (departed 2013), Adi and all the teaching assistant of vipassana that I met come to me… when I met Rodica at Dumbrava… I felt she’s humbleness embodied… one of the the most soft , loving (metta) and determined (adhitthana) women i met in this lifetime.
i remember the fourth morning of my first vipassana retreat, 24th of August, 2007, 4 am, my mind didn’t want to wake up to go to the meditation hall (“I am tired, I want to sleep”)… I knew the the hall was full, I was still in bed… judging myself heavily for that. she came to my room, put on the light and with the softest-loving and firmest voice I’ve ever heard she said “it’s time for you to come, we are waiting for you”. and she stood there, her eyes down, in noble silence, creating space for me to pass the door, holding me soft in her heart… no trace of judgment, felt her love giving me power to stand up and move…she was the one whom I feel supported by, in the moment I entered the full hall waiting for me – noticing later that was the most shameful moment of my life :).
Rodica it’s always in the background of the Dumbrava Vipassana Meditation Center… like a beckon… holding the space with her love, compassion and humbleness.
then Pantajali, Nathamuni, Krishnamachyara (departed 1989), Desikachar (departed couple pf days ago)… all this lineage what brought and continue to hold the teachings of Yoga into the world.
I woke up this morning wanting to specifically know more about Krishnamacharya… I WANT to be on the MAT, to know him (his qualities) through his teachings… and not only…
most of the times I go to the mat (or sitting) I invoke these great spirits and in closing my sittings send metta to all the people who are touching my life, opening myself to all these spirits…
I feel humble and grateful living these times… surrounded by the people I am surrounded… living along with great spirits who deeply care for this world and for the people… for keeping humanity human… for bringing back the true nature of us, for efforts that they… we 🙂 [mind: “is this humbleness?]… put in for remembering, manifesting who we are in our pure true essence… for looking at the veil of illusion, delusion… for recognizing the power that lies within…
on to the mat…
peaches jam
today we made peaches jam.
we put in:
- 15 kg of peaches (our good Romanian ones)
- ~600 g brown sugar, ~500g white sugar
- 515 g brown raisins
- squeezed juice and pulp from lemons
I buzzed some of the content to have a really nice saucy structure and also to have chunks of peaches inside… I enjoy that in jams! 🙂
boiled in sterilized jars, packed, sterilized jars again
it is DELICIOUS! 🙂
moments around the mat
there are moments when I want to go on the mat and moments when I don’t have the wanting yet I have the doing of going to the mat… when I feel driven…
there are moments of preparing the mat… each of the candle lightning, setting the polystyrene, mat, block, taking off my accessories… in those moments I usually look at myself and my attitude towards going on the mat…
then there are the moments before the practice, the moments of arriving into position, the moments when coming into the practice, settling on… looking at the mind… the state of being…
there are moments before the asana…
the moments when breath and movement are aligned…
the moments of spacious inhale, attentiveness to the directionality, in the thorax, as my lung inflate towards the diaphragm…
and the moments when inhale ends… the moments after the inhale…the moments between the inhale of exhale, the moments before the exhale… then the exhale…
the moments when length of the inhale / exhale is not enough… the moments when I look at this, smile inside and move on… moments when I judge myself for that…
the moments when I see the yawning, laziness or sleep kicking in and the moments when I bring that into the attention and move on…
the moments when my mind is away and the ones when I notice that and bring it back…
the moments when I am not there and do a “wrong” repetition or the moments when I don’t know which number of the repetition it is that and exactly that is informing me about the state of the mind in those moments…
there are sometimes (many, still) the moments at the end of an asana when I think forward to what follows, noticing my content 🙂 about knowing what follows in the sequence of the whole practice…
there was also one moment when I felt so asleep that I went to sleep right there, ON the mat, just because my mind was keeping telling me “come on, you cannot sleep ON the mat!” 🙂 I could… really well!!
there are moments after the practice when I sense a dissatisfaction feeling… smiling and moving on with the day (to the next practice in life)…
there are moments when I don’t see the moments… or when I don’t know how moments passed…
there are moments when I know “I didn’t do it right”… and moments when I look at my mind thinking “I am doing it right”… both sides of the same coin… time to keep “en guarde”.
there are moments of still mind, completeness, wholeness… that are here many times after the practice, a deep satisfaction beyond the satisfaction of completing one practice in that day…
the moments when I wonder why am I doing this… and the moments when there is a complete trust and deep knowing about the doing and the meaning of it beyond that specific moment in time and space…
Sacred Birthing Insights from “Sacred Birthing – Birthing a New Humanity”
Below are the extras of Sacred Birthing Insights from the Sacred Birthing – Birthing a New Humanity book, by Sunni Karll.
Chapter 1 – Birthing the Whole Being
“We need to create a new being who has a maximum capacity to love.” – Dr. Michelle O’dent
- Birth is the essence of evolution. The gift of a sacred birth fosters peace in our babies, our self, our community and our sacred planet.
Chapter 3 – Pursuing Wholeness For Each New Born
“Civilization will commence on the day when the well-being of the newborn will prevail over any other considerations.” Wilhelm Reich
- Father is an essential participant of preconception to birth and beyond. His love is the current that opens mother’s heart to birth their baby at this vibration. He is invited by his baby to offer his energetic alignment of love to baby’s life.
- Baby’s birth time determines a lifetime. By honoring labor as and when it presents, we honor and protect the timing of birth chosen by this soul.
Chapter 4 – Birthing Consciously: Your Gift of Love
“What we do around birth will define society.” Margaret Mead
- Love creates a high vibration at birth to support the synchronization of body and soul. This orders the body’s energy field to enable Divine rapport within and offer a life of coherence.
- Trust upholds the field of birth ad invites the help of our highest guidance.
- Each birth is unique and unfolds in its own perfection.
- Bonding is the parents opportunity to preserve their baby’s loving essence and to offer a foundation of emotional safety.
Chapter 5 – Sacred Birthing Insights
“In bringing back birth in accord with Natural Law, all influences are eliminated that sabotage human relationship and the deepest connection to Source, for they are one and the same.” World Mother
- Aligning with the Divine before conception is the highest alliance.
- First, do no harm.
- The baby’s souls is a conscious creator and participant in conception and birth.
- Weaving soul and body-consciousness before birth supports internal allegiance for life.
- The patterns baby carried into conception, and the experience from conception through birth creates a blueprint that the child will recapitulate during life and be called to heal.
- Compassion for the baby’s experience opens our heart and leads us to sacred action.
- Sacred Technology enhances vitality, stability and health of mother and baby.
- Mother lovingly and courageously follows the lead of her baby’s soul into conception and labor. Her innate ability to give birth is within every cell and she trusts her inner strength to guide her way.
- Natural birth protects baby’s consciousness and helps retain the divinity of the newborn. /the Universe celebrates the conscious newborn.
- Birth is an initiation, a rite of passage for all involved.
- Protecting the umbilical cord upholds the energy field and protects baby’s immune system.
Creating Sacred Birthing creates Sacred Living, creates Sacred Deathing, creates Sacred Birthing, creates Sacred Living, creates…
—
grateful for Sunni.. my deepest love and appreciation for what she IS.
<3
on avidya
“avidya – literally “knowledge other then right knowledge” – is a false state of understanding. […] we can see avidya expressed in four different ways:
- first, there are false values arising from the constant references to “I” and “me” […]
- secondly, is expressed as excessive attachment or desire. […]
- unreasonable dislikes […]. usually they result from painful experiences in the past that are connected with particular objects and situations.
- fear of what is to come […] Pantajali tells us that fear is perhaps the most difficult of all obstacles to overcome.”
[1] Health, Healing & Beyond YOGA and the Living Tradition of KRISHNAMACHARYA, chapter “The Ancient Teachings” – T.K.V. Desikachar and R.H. Cravens
solutions that help to overcome the problems
“solutions that help us to overcome the problems[…]
- adopting a more positive attitude towards others;
- correctly taught techniques of breathing;
- regular and far-reaching inquiry into the role of senses*;
- inquiry into the mysteries of life itself;
- recourse to the counselor of someone who has mastered similar problems;
- inquiry into our dreams, our sleep.”
[1] Health, Healing & Beyond YOGA and the Living Tradition of KRISHNAMACHARYA, chapter “The Ancient Teachings” – T.K.V. Desikachar and R.H. Cravens
*my note: vipassana is an deep inquiry into the role of senses and what’s beyond senses. anapana is a technique of following the breath.
about… many things 🙂 at once
a dear soul sister gave me this link in some of the last days… she told me that what is written there is what she lived with her first baby born, word by word…
i read this text more then 10 times since she gave me the link… it is with me… it brought many feelings at the surface.
i didn’t gave birth yet… to a baby… and I’m sometimes full of fears around maternity and motherhood since Pearl is around.
fear of not being good enough… fear of not “creating” the “perfect” conditions… of not “having” a “proper” space and context to welcome a baby… fear of receiving a baby in this world, fear of “what if somehow life comes to a point where I need to raise her… them alone”, fear of “what would my family think?”, fear of how ripples of the social norms/patterns/prejudice will affect her, us, fear of my own limitations limiting her, fear because some of my dear ones are not welcoming her in their full heart…
I notice all these fears in me… sometimes the almost-panic state of mind signalizes me that fears are here… sometimes it gets me… and I freeze… then I breath again… sometimes I cannot pinpoint cause of the fear and sadness that I feel coming trough me… and I just am.. with that… breathing… crying… shaking… crying some more… being close to the silence that I can be…
looking at all these… and at the same time.. looking at me… being soft with it.
if it is one thing I noticed about myself in the last more then an year, it is the softness about my patterns, my fears, my old stories… the acceptance and knowing it will all pass… and I need those, to be truly me…
it sooths me… it cleans me… and it is not only about me… it is about all the women in this world… my mom, my sis, my grandmothers, by grand-grandmothers… all my soul sisters which are traveling the path of life here…
and at the same time I experience the feminine energy, the mother inside me that comes with caring, patience, kindness, sharing, calm, noble silence…
I feel grateful for these gifts… for serving as a becoming-mom, for this gift of feeling myself as a mother, for the healing and cleaning that “is happening”, for the embrace that I am offered by Pearl, for the flow that I am with, for the unfolding I am kept in touch with by her presence…
Pearl is more present in the framework of my body that I am, at many times. then I am offered the deep care and love I feel coming from Ronen… a beamer which keeps me in touch with ground-real-sharp-soft life. all these brings me closer to the Mother… to the mother in me also… to the woman… to the maternity… to the motherhood. one of the many times I told him “I am happy”, he replied “don’t worry, it will pass” [there you go… vipassana in a nutshell :))]. yes, it will definitely pass… meanwhile I decided to look at it. and also, when my other side feelings are coming to me… that keeps me in check… not deluding myself…
I know there are some monsters in my cellar… I want to embrace them when they come out… and to play together… I think they might use some joy and innocence… and singing… and dancing.. and sitting in silence… together! 🙂 will see how that goes…
I am here… don’t know if “ready”… definitely open and breathing… to experience all my shadows, to let them be in light… to heal my roots and to grow more deeper ones, to leave behind the having, the possessing and the need for demonstrating anything… to anyone…
… to embrace… to receive… to breath… to breath some more
Laura says that our identity also goes away at the moment we become mothers… I don’t know many times what / who I am… what is this “I”… looking forward to experience what’s coming, healing, dying, birthing… while breathing.
I look at myself “looking forward” to all these :)) and smiling… we’ll speak soon… :))
thank you, Oana, for bringing Laura around… for being… you 🙂
thank you, Laura, for the woman that you are, for sharing that with the world, for touching my heart
<3
The Rupture of the Mother Line and the Cost of Becoming Real
there is more beyond what is written here… at different levels…
thinking of myself… my dear sister, our mom, of Pearl and of many… many other women (and men) I met in this lifetime…
With each wave of grief we re-unite with the parts of us we had to disown in order to be accepted by our families.
Unhealthy systems need to be disrupted in order to find a new, healthier, higher-level equilibrium. It’s a paradox that we actually heal our mother line when we disrupt the patriarchal patterns in the mother line, not when we remain complicit with the patriarchal patterns to maintain surface-level peace. It takes grit and courage to refuse to comply with patriarchal patterns that have generational momentum in our families.
[…]
Part of the process is about embracing this deep, existential grief so that you can finally be initiated into the freedom and creativity of your own life. And ultimately this grief gives way to genuine compassion and gratitude for our mothers and the mothers before her.
[…]
Even though we are adult women, we still long for mother. What can be truly heartbreaking is to feel this longing for mother and know that your own mother cannot fill this longing, even though she tried her best. It’s important to face this fact and grieve. Your longing is holy and must be honored. Allowing space for this grief is an important part of being the good mother to yourself. If we don’t mourn our unmet need for mothering directly, it will unconsciously seep into our relationships, causing pain and conflict.
Source: @ http://www.womboflight.com
metta to all wombs and tears
heart in heart with my sisters out-there
…and here is the accompanying post of the same author, coming to meet the reactions of women to the previous post… which gets me to my own tears…
I’m meeting my power lately… and with power comes vulnerability… truthfulness… clarity… allowance of being what is… acceptance of what is… love and kindness… along with all the manifestations of the programs I have registered in my 38 years of this life…
all these come with a lot of tears for me…
tears which are cleansing… deeply… warm tears… loving and compassionate tears for the spirit which is now finding way back home…
empowering tears… knowing and trusting… and not knowing…
metta to all women and men who are on the way
<3