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Category: find myself again
![Don’t go back to sleep [Rumi]](http://iulia-sara.ro/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/rumi.jpg)
Don’t go back to sleep [Rumi]
The breezes at dawn have secrets to tell you
Don’t go back to sleep!You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep!People are going back and forth
across the doorsill where the two worlds touch,The door is round and open
Don’t go back to sleep!― Rumi
I received this poem on a small piece of paper, in a storytelling group in Cluj. I feel this (“Don’t go back to sleep”) is the theme of this lifetime for me…
I am moving back and forth from ignorance towards the Light and back… back and forth…
Yet, I have faith now the trust that there is no other way then towards the Light, in the End :)).
I keep that piece of paper on my night stand since then, as a reminder… Thank you, Sandra. <3
less then a woMan – from [book] The Space of Love
Do not blame yourself, do not torture your soul. It was not a parter in what you did. You acted out of instinct. You were trained to protect whatever you were ordered to, without thinking about the situation. And your instinct took its course. It is not good for instinct to gain supremacy in Man. When instinct takes first place, then Man takes second place. The result is something less than a Man. Think about it – perhaps it would be better to return to yourself – to the Man that you are.
excerpt from “The Space of Love” by Vladimir Megre (third book from Anastasia – The Ringing Cedars series).
scrambled: feeling, being… writing
it was some two weeks ago when I noticed there are almost 100 published posts in my ( 🙂 this) blog.
now there are 104 published and 28 in drafts.
when I start this blog I was thinking “I have nothing to put here”…
I remember Ronen encouraging me to have a personal blog. first I rejected the idea, considering I have nothing to write “for the world”. then, when I realized I will do it for me, I came at peace, embracing the idea.
anyway, in many if my posts there are more things that I encounter, I quote, I feel / see / hear.
yes, these are all about me also, about things rippling inside…
but there is much more inside me… things what I would like to place them outside my mind (is this blog a creation of the mind? what is mind? is it outside? am I separated? where do I end?…) many times.
words don’t come easy for me. not in writing, not in speaking out.
maybe because clarity is not in place?… sometimes I know that is the case, sometimes words are not enough.
I many times look at my inner world, noticing feelings, emotions, sensations, experiences, perspectives. I many times look at them with the eye of the observer, of the impartial surgeon, of the writer… I many other times I am those…
many times imagining myself writing about it, in terms of placing them also outside of my mind, maybe to have a different perspective.
I sometimes notice myself I would like the world to see me, to feel me, to notice me… out of the need to be seen, acknowledged, loved.
I know the world is busy with their own… inner worlds.
so rarely I can collect my own feelings, thoughts, expressions… emotions… into words.
I wanna write about hurting, depression, circles, tribes….
about love and lack of it, mom, birthing, Pearl, Daniel, Ronen, Andreea & Mihaela, Sweety, Luci, Annelieke, Sunni, Andreea…
about being seen, not (good) enough, emptiness, about tears, warm healing tears…
about practice which is calling me and I look at it not following, knowing my mind is so dispersed…
about knowing that no one can do the inner work for me… and yet calling for a hand from outside…
about loneliness, impermanent states which seems eternal, unclarity and how this covers the sky of my being and ripples into other skies…
about being frozen…
about the softness or lack of it, for all these…
please… please, see me, embrace me sometimes… even if I don’t write, speak… my mind calls…
my heart and soul is yearning for belonging to the tribe, to the village.
embraced by softness
today I didn’t know if I want to be on the mat
in the last days, weeks, I haven’t been… (since 3.09).
I came anyway… as I did some other times, trusting the “I don’t know” and being with the … let’s see what’s coming… unfolding, being informed…
there was a softness, embracing me the whole practice… soft, grater then me…
I was offered a big embrace of softness…
I was RECEIVING this softness…
even if my upper back, shoulders and neck was stiff (at least in the first half of the practice)…
even when I am mechanistic in the asana…
this softness was with me all along today on the mat…
supporting me…
I was offered a surprisingly spacious breath
I feel my core regaining a soft vitality
not hurting anymore
for the first time since Pearl left again, I felt the warmth of my womb
I can receive,
I am embraced… by something greater then me
tat tvam asi
Francis Weller on Grief and Sorrow (2013)
I listened to Francis again this morning… to this talk.
he soothes my soul…in these moments when I allow grief to wipe me inside out and leave me sometimes empty.. sometimes with gratefulness and appreciation of the human soul… sometimes with hate… sometimes with soft love for myself.. compassion for my coming home… kindness for he soul-mates who are walking the same path.
what I remained with from his talk touched my need of sharing my emotional stories… of communing… of the tribe where to let my sorrows out… for us to share our hearts in a contexts of trust, in acknowledgement of that we also carry this for so long already… where we ca to come together and be seen… vulnerable… with no control… powerful at the same time.
and I will take that into reality… I wanted it for so long… that time is here… let’s see where this goes…
there are so many things he said that I could quote from this talk that it would take me to do the transcript of the whole conversation to put everything that touched me here…
thank God (that is implying myself too <3) for coming close to Francis at these times.
first thing we shared he sat down and he said face-to-face and he reached over any part of this big rock that he had by his chair and he said “this is my clock, I operate at geologic speed and if you’re going to work with the soul you need to learn this rhythm because this is how the soul moves” and he pointed to a clock and said “it hates this”.I have no interest in improving your life, I have no interestin fixing your problems. All i want to do with you is help you listened more deeply to what your soul is actually asking of you to live this life more fully and the symptoms that brought him in the room, whether it’s depression or addiction or anxiety… that’s the grace, that’s what got them in the room… that’s not the problem. The problem is a dissociated relationship to their soul which is bya large how we are conditioned to live in this culture.your grief will not end; it will change over time; it will become this bitter sweet melancholy that will accompany you forever. but this is your new relationship to your wife (me: lost one), this is how you will walk with her forever now this is this is how she is. this is the evidence that you choose to love, this is the evidence that you allowed someone to penetrate your heart and take up a dwelling-place there.this is the true right of love as well that love and loss the first Gator grief is that everything you love you will lose.“you have so much joy” … “that’s because I cry a lot”grief is subversive, undermining the quiet agreement to behave and be in control of our emotions it is an act of protest that declares our refusal to live dumb and small […] grief is necessary to the vitality of our soul; contrary to our f,ears grief is fused with life force it is riddled with energy and acknowledgement of the erotic coupling with another soul, whether human, animal, plant or ecosystem; it is not a state of deadness or emotional flatness… grief is alive, wild, untamed and cannot be domesticated. resist the demands to remain passive and still we move in jangled unsettled and riotous ways when grief takes all of us. it is truly an emotion that rises from the soul.
from fairies, with love
in ultima noastra intalnire, FairyGodMothers mi-au oferit iubire la pachet… la propriu…
am oferit una alteia biletele, cu iubire pe ele, intr-un plic…
plicul meu e plin de iubire! 🙂 <3
pana zilele am deschis plicul de trei ori (cate un biletel nou de fiecare data plus recitit cele deschise inainte), iar ultimele zile… traind multe momente mixte, printre care si de pierdere, deznadejze, jale, suparare, disperare, tristete adanca, lipsa de incredere, vina, repros… am deschis din nou plicul… si azi le-am “epuizat pe toate…
am primit iubire…
scriu aici ce am primit… sa nu uit si sa pot sa recitesc oriunde as fi… si poate cand “pierd” plicul.
dragile mele, sunteti cu mine… in momentele astea in care am mare nevoie…
si ma gandesc si la ce v-am scris eu pe biletel… un biletel mic, ce nu poate sa incapa tot ce voiam si vreau sa exprim… nu pot scrie “la comanda”…
poate ca daca nu dau coltul in viata asta prea repede va voi spune fiecareia in parte sau va voi chiar scrie o scrisoare de mana, la fiecare, ca sa incerc sa exprim… sau poate doar va voi purta in suflet, asa cum o fac deja de mult… si va trimit metta cand stau jos…
ma intorc la plicul meu cu iubire…
le pun, aproximativ, in ordinea in care le-am deschis…
Iulia,
ce senzatie de joaca, dans si libertate, senzualitate imi aduci cu tine, cu imbratisarea ta.
Zambet frumos si larg, brate iubitoare.
Drumuri in curgere, sa mergi cu lumina, impacare, implinire si iubire.
A.
Draga zana Iulia,
te imbratisez cu mult drag, sunt mereu alaturi de tine, esti o femeie minunata si ma bucur enorm ca am pornit impreuna in aceasta calatorie.
Te iubesc!
intelepciune
acceptare
blandete
Te iubesc
femeie care cu puterea,
cu puterea ei, puterea ei
deschide pamanturile, pamanturile
Imbratisare
R.
Te iubesc Iulia, copilul Soarelui si al Lunii! Femeie minunata si radianta! Zana care mi-a deschis intaia oara usa spatiului acestuia.
M.
Fa o plimbare in ploaie… cand simti
IULIA
For some reason our journeys have met.
Pare ca avem drum impreuna
pare ca, for some reason, avem inca de TRAIT
tot suntem aduse impreuna
asa ca… suntem
Esti frumoasa
Esti curajoasa
Esti puternica
Esti sensibila
Esti…
multumesc pentru fiecare clipa in care ne vedem.
Cu drag,
E.
Draga Iulia,
Iti sunt atat de recunoscatoare! Te-am simtit atat de aproape, inca de la inceput. Da, cu adevarat, ai fost zana mea. Am descoperit la tine multe oglindiri ale mele, multe valori pe care mi le doresc si eu sa faca parte din mine. Tu mi-ai aratat cat e de important sa ma regasesc, sa ma iubesc, sa ma descopar, sa am curajul sa fiu eu. Te-am simtit de-a lungul acestei calatorii ca un ghid, ca o calauza blanda si iubitoare.
Imi place energia lucrurilor primite de la tine. Poate de aceea la port cu atata placere si simt ca mi se potrivesc foarte bine.
Te iubesc si iti multumesc tare, zana mea iubita! Esti minunata!
Te pup si te imbratisez!
A.
Iulia draga mea,
Bine ai venit acasa! Asa te simt… ACASA!
Vine cu Pace si cu Bine! Chiar si cand e greu.
Sa-ti fie acasa si in continuare, in locul si cu oamenii cei mai potriviti.
A.
Vinzi voie buna… nu rosii :*
Eu de la inceput te-am simtit ca un vulcan de iubire si spatiu de manifestare. Suflet liber si aventuros ce esti si pentru care iti multumesc!
T. <3
Here when you need me
Urmatorul vine cu o inima mare, cu picatele, cu inimoare in inimioare… cu o crenguta de Mana Natura…
Pentru I(<3)uli(<3)a Sara (cuprins intr-o inima mare)
Licuricii te iubesc……..<3
Marile te iubesc………..<3
Aerul te iubeste………..<3
Eu te iubesc……………..<3
Padurea te iubeste ….<3
Iulia <3
Cararile noastre s-au intalnit din nou pe pe bucata frumoasa de drum.
Multumesc ca esti in viata mea!
Iti doresc sa iti fie drumul lin in continuare, cu pace si multa iubire.
Te imbratisez cu mare drag.
Te iubesc <3
S.
Urmatoarea e ca un pachetel, ce contine ceva…
Draga Iulia
Voiam sa iti pregatesc un cadou, dar si dori (mi-am dat seama) sa te folosesti de contactul meu si sa ma chemi cand ai nevoie, oricand ai nevoie… de o zana… sau defalt de mine, asa cum sunt :).
Cu imbratisare,
E.
Si primeste o pietricica, de la Mama Pamant, de la Cupole… puternica, tare, stabila, claditoare, rece, calda, prezenta
Urmatoarea e un evantai…
Draga Iulia,
In tine am vazut cea mai mare vulnerabilitate. feminitate si siguranta in acelasi timp.
Multumesc pentru cand te-ai deschis si cum te-ai deschis!
D.
Urmatoarea e ca un origami… ca o broscuta (sare peste cap! :)) )… un avion sau o racheta…
Suntem cu tine
Impreuna!
ma voi intoarce la plicul meu cu iubire ori-de-cate-ori voi simti…
cu plecaciune,
<3
The Rupture of the Mother Line and the Cost of Becoming Real
there is more beyond what is written here… at different levels…
thinking of myself… my dear sister, our mom, of Pearl and of many… many other women (and men) I met in this lifetime…
With each wave of grief we re-unite with the parts of us we had to disown in order to be accepted by our families.
Unhealthy systems need to be disrupted in order to find a new, healthier, higher-level equilibrium. It’s a paradox that we actually heal our mother line when we disrupt the patriarchal patterns in the mother line, not when we remain complicit with the patriarchal patterns to maintain surface-level peace. It takes grit and courage to refuse to comply with patriarchal patterns that have generational momentum in our families.
[…]
Part of the process is about embracing this deep, existential grief so that you can finally be initiated into the freedom and creativity of your own life. And ultimately this grief gives way to genuine compassion and gratitude for our mothers and the mothers before her.
[…]
Even though we are adult women, we still long for mother. What can be truly heartbreaking is to feel this longing for mother and know that your own mother cannot fill this longing, even though she tried her best. It’s important to face this fact and grieve. Your longing is holy and must be honored. Allowing space for this grief is an important part of being the good mother to yourself. If we don’t mourn our unmet need for mothering directly, it will unconsciously seep into our relationships, causing pain and conflict.
Source: @ http://www.womboflight.com
how do I keep myself clear?
it was around one year ago when I was having a conversation with Ronen, in which I asked him about “how do I keep clear… not deluding myself?”
he answered this:
- continue to be alert and ask that question;
- describe more specifically what “old stories” mean so that you can recognize when you see them;
- act! – it’s one to want / say something and other thing to DO something about it;
- do it gradually; take time to reflect how you feel about your actions. Don’t just DO and move on. Let time to see effects, see where the waves of actions are taking you.
- do more of “small” actions instead of many “big” ones. every day; intentionally.
- when you speak of doing something and not doing it, not taking it into action – observe and reflect on it.
- be patient – wait, observe;
- take into consideration that…, allow yourself to do mistakes.
I wrote this post from a transcription (Romanian) in my journal… and when I noted it down I took it from our Skype conversations… later then our conversation. where you see the “…” above, I missed to note down some text there… and now the old conversations in Skype cannot be accessed anymore… but I(you) got the point ;).
what matters and what I want to say with this post is that it helped me along the way in the last year… in the last 9 years since I started breathing consciously (sometimes, at least)… and every time I see reactions in myself and others around me, I keep remembering this conversation and observing (thoughts, senzations, reactions)… helps me coming back to the center… in the present, keeps me in contact with the unfolding, with the feedback… and brings detachment from emotions, sensations, reactions that surface in different times of life.
I noted it down because I like Ronen’s style of being specific, pragmatic, systemic and holistic in the same time, clear about profound and meaningful themes of life.
friction and falling apart
to whom it may concern 🙂
“The process of awakening inevitably creates friction, because part of this process has to do with the deconstruction of everything that is false. If our entire lives have been based upon a false identity, then we may get the impression that everything is falling apart. When we begin walking the path of self-knowledge, we begin to wake up and move towards self-realization, which is synonymous with putting an end to our fantasies. This can be very challenging. At this moment, it is necessary to remember that this deconstruction is part of the process. We are being reborn to a new life.”
via Sri Prem Baba – flower of the day
may all being know peace and harmony within
identify the mystery
Ronen just sent us this link to Paul‘s post from today.
<3finding myself more and more comfortable in this…this… trusting the mystery…this… more and more comfortable “I don’t know”… it’s even soothing sometimes!!! reconnects me with peace…this… trusting that I (higher self) is and will ALWAYS find (re/discovering) the way…this… unfolding… without the need of knowing where… how… if…this… freedom I am in touch with in some moments…this… knowing it is me!…this… wanting to be and going for it… where all THESE are nurtured… respected… supported… and can be expressed in a way I feel and am “normal”…THIS is HOME!_/\_<3