Category: heart

I wanted to post about Sia, our Labrador puppy, for a long time… now the time, out time together… is gone. I write this to not forget. How can I?…

Sia was a gift from Kati, on old friend of mine from Tg. Mures. It was coming into our lives right after Ricky has gone… Her mom, Sofi, had a litter of 10 puppies.

Sia and all her brothers (seven) and sisters (other two) were born softly, in the night, in the silence of Sofi’s cage, at home, with the whole family watching them from a distance, in awe.

We first visited them when the puppies were about 5-6 weeks young. And I wanted Kati to keep Sia until she well be 8 weeks, so she can have more time with mom and her family.

We went after her in Tg. Mures in the 8th of June, two day before me leaving for the vipassana retreat. I remember feeling jealous at him for being her “mom”, as he would be the first to care for her (feed her, pet her, caress her) in her first period with us here at Bhudeva. She was two months then,

When we departed from Kati’s me, Kati and the kids weer all crying… Sia was the last puppy who was leaving home and Sofi… and for them. I was projecting my feeling on Sofi, who was left with no puppies out of ten, on the kids who needed to say goodbye to all of them… I was feeling about9 Sia, being “taken” away from what she felt familiar until that moment, with no gradual process in between worlds. I was also happy, that this little tiny fluffy living thing is coming into our lives.

On our drive back home she was crying a bit no sensing any of the familiar smells, but also curious and exploring the new smells (of us, of the car, of everything new, of the big world outside). I was comforting her talking with her with soft voice, petting her. She slept on the bin that we’ve put her in. We stopped and peed a few times outside on the grass, on our way.

When we arrived home she was fast tired of all the new things… she slept on my arms for the first time. I felt blessed.

In fact her first days, weeks were all about eating, sleeping, pooping, peeing, chewing… everything what a baby dog is about. She eat, she move around a bit and then she just dropped there where she was, falling asleep. Sometimes we were playing and she was… falling asleep :).

I left and Ronen was here training her – when I left I was thinking with my old patterns: please, don’t brake her… let her BE, free… she was free! And Ronen was right all the time – she needed emotional stability with firmness.

She learnt fast to sit for food.  She was a FAST learner… eager to do things for us. To BE with us… she followed us everywhere.

She was all about JOY… enjoying life every step. Every blade of grass existed like it was made for her to play with.

Ronen is usually peeing outside, next to the trees and around Bhudeva’s green Beings… Sia was his pee guardian :).

In a few weeks after we brought her home she learnt how to hunt bugs, after the sun set. Right after the sunset, there were some bugs coming out of grass outside in the valley. I was noticing her a few evenings dissappearing, wondering what she is after. One evening I went after her, watching her from a distance. She was out in the valley, hunting… the bugs, as they were trying to come out of the grass. I was so proud of her: quite some protein intake (yum, yum for her!) and my little hunter… versatile and free rage baby dog! She was still little.

Anyway, she was growing like crazy. Many times when we were coming inside the house, after a few hours of not seeing her, when we saw her again, we were: “OMG, you grew some more again since we haven’t seen you!” I was amazed of how fast she was growing! I knew big dogs are going like that but to see it “in action”…!

She was chewing everything at… mouth! 🙂 We were gifted by Sweety some toys Fram din’t play with: the duck, a frisbee, a snake – cordeline. Then wood which is everywhere around…

When we were playing SHE was SO into it! She wanted to play with us! She was bringing the duck to us, just for a little tug-of-war.

The duck was her favorite toy. She was chewing on it many times, often. She was fetching it also. She WAS indeed a retriever. She was fetching the duck, the frisbee, a piece of wood if it was thrown for that. In the first weeks when we started to play, as she was still small and the grass was taller then her, she would lost the fetch sometimes. In times, she learnt to “search” just by saying the word while she was looking for it. It’s amazing how that duck lasted to long in Sia’s mouth!

She was a devourer while eating. In fact she was vacuuming, not eating. She would eat anything. Swallowing hole. We gave her kibbles and also brought raw chicken from Oncos, and sometimes left-over cheese and cooked food. She enjoyed fruits (banana, watermelon, peach, apricot, apples). She eat some carrots and raw zucchini. She didn’t like tomatoes :). She also, in time, learnt to wait for Indi, our other dog, to eat and leave. Indi sometimes left kibbles in her plate, so Sia was waiting patiently for Indi to leave so she can eat also that food. We called her “The Beats” – as a sweet code name for when we were talking about her without her knowing this… then it become a second name when we were referring her.

She learnt to go to the sheepfold in the valley and scrap on sheep leftovers the Sheppard were scarifying there. She was bringing everything home… so our yard transformed soon into a.. graveyard :). sheep parts (bones with some leftover on them mostly) all over the place. The most interesting times were the hottest days this summer (37-38 C) and outside was smelling so… delicious, I assume, for her :). I was collecting the dried leftover bones every couple of weeks, was she was finishing taking everything out of them. She was so enjoying herself: either chewing on bones, or playing with them sometimes… It was just like having kids with toys spread all over the place – there’s no point in “cleaning” the house every day, tomorrow it’s a new play-time full day!

She enjoyed being in the hummock. Every time I was putting it on, she come and asked to be on. She would play with me, then settle and relax, even sleep in it. Sometimes after me leaving the hummock, she would stay some more… relaxed and enjoying… The last times when I got her on, she was SO heavy.

Here’s some glimpses of our love affair, in the hummock…

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She was SO BEAUTIFUL! Beautiful skin, beautiful body, beautiful fur, beautiful eyes, beautiful eye-lashes, beautiful paws… she was well proportions, getting so powerful and strong every day.

When she was around you just could not be sad. She filled you with joy, instantly. When we were working in the cellar she come over. Playing with everything – with some sand grains, with the handle of Ronen shovel, with the soil he was digging out, with a leaf on the pathway, with something we was carrying around…with EVERYTHING! 🙂 She was sleeping next to us working… in such confidence… we were carrying well-barrows around, passing with the weels just cm away from her head and nose… when she was in deep sleep nothing could disturb her. She was so funny learning how to come to us in the back-up side of the construction – not to whine from below but to go around and really get to us, just to be petted in joy!

She was healthy…. until two days ago, when we notice her not coming for food. No rotating her tale, coming only the 6th time on call… strange for our Sia… That was not Sia that we knew… I thought she was in some distress so we let her be… but she was not going well. Yesterday morning Ronen woke me up early (for me)… waiting for me to wake up and saying “Sia needs help”. When I heard his tone I knew it was not good.

Our Sia baby passed away last evening at couple of minutes after 22:00… outside and inside also today… grief… don’t know what I am grieving about… filled with sadness. can’t find the reason to live… I know this will pass to. I want to be with it. I know, how it was some other times, will bring me more profoundness and even more love for life. Now it’s this…

We agreed (Ronen proposed) to cremate her. It felt right – free her into the sky above.

I asked for the duck… Ronen found it into the night, put her next to her mouth… she will play with and chew on it, forever!

I feel empty, hollow. This morning I couldn’t find a reason to get up. Went outside – the yard if full with leftover bones Sia chewed on in the last weeks. A plastic bottle also… there’s an emptiness outside… and I know is the projection of the emptiness inside me. Anyway, the air is not filled with this creature who came to me in joy to express her happiness that I went outside and that wanted just to be around. Her tail was a separate creature. She was the only dog I met who was not waving her tail but rotating it. Like a rotor. and it was not only her tale but her whole body was rejoicing the tail in happiness. We were joking with Ronen that we should connect her tail to some power generator and use some happy-free energy.

In the time we’ve spent together, from 8th of June to Sept 16 (2017) she brought JOY.. pure joy into our lives. She was living in the present moment: now eating, now playing, now sleeping, now eating, now playing, now playing, now playing. She was my Master of Joy… every day I was here with her. There were times when I felt lower on energy… I only needed to go out and see her and her tail <3…

I can write so many details about many things – these are the ones that carved my soul these days…

• about how I tried until almost the last moment, to keep her… Ronen was more present then me,
• how I still hoped her strong body and health will hold longer, realizing much later she was not going too,
• how aggressive this virus / or poison was… taking her away so fast,
• how yesterday, in the cellar, sensing that smell and thinking a few times “What is with this smell of death here?” was so clear,
• how my thoughts of guild are creeping in: “If I would have been doing things earlier”, “if I would have paid more attention and take action”, “if I would have not trust the vet in village” etc., etc.
• how I felt Ronen’s tears too,
• how I was gifted to assist a passing over (my first one like this, with complete form): the day before yesterday seeing her not-her, yesteday in pain, the final struggle of a body in total pain and collapse, the peaceful surrender and relaxation in her body before the last breaths, the last breaths, her last breath… and total silence… Ronen with his hand on her heart in her last moments, mine on her shoulder, caressing her, being there with her…. On the deck, where we spent much time together.
• how we let her pass away between planes, sitting next to her, talking to her, touching her face and body as the body was getting cold, comforting her while her spirit still can feel bodily sensations (they say), Ronen lighting a candle…
• how Ronen again, did the preparing for cremation.. me being with “how many of our babies we’re still going to bury?”
• me not wanting to live anymore… yet still knowing this will pass too, something else will come, which will pass

Ah… her name came to me when Kati said she will gift us a puppy, in our phone conversation back in May. It suddenly came to my mind, as I was listening to Kati on the phone.. “Sia”… as a short for Anastasia… Sia means “immortal” in Greek”, and “the one who brings joy” in Persian. I found out later…

All the other pictured I have with her…

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There are so many inside… I need to stop, try to sleep…. see what tomorrow brings…

Some words from Sunni’s book come to me know, so I will follow:

Creating Sacred Birthing, creates Sacred Living, creates Sacred Deathing, creates Sacred Birthing, creates….

Life and death themes are with me in the last 2 years now… the wheel keeps turning…

Baby girl, Sia, I will forever be grateful for spending this time together, gifting us with your pure JOY for life! Thank you for your Being, for being my Master of Joy! I still need to learn, cause’ in these moments I so miss you, can’t stop crying when I walk outside, can’t believe I cannot old and touch you anymore… and don’t want to keep you from your way with this!  Thank you for gifting me, us, with your life and death…

Thank you, Kati, Jano, Julcsi, Andi es Perike – for gifting us such Joy! <3

You are free, baby girl! You are in the stars now….

May you forever in-joy, whatever form you’ll choose…

May you play along forever, with whatever Universe will bring your way… you have with you the ever-lasting-duck toy, now…

May you find peace and harmony…

May I learn from you…